slash_sucks

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 19:11:04 GMT

I totally need to clean this thing out....

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 10:09:22 GMT

Title: If Your Stomach Feels Weak Then My Work Here Is Done
Writers: xshallowdreams | amnesia_ride
Pairing: Matt Good (from first to last) | Jesse Lacey (brand new)
weird pairing? shut up and read it!
Rating: NC-17 is the new black
Part: 1 / ?
Summary: what do our high-school-aged 'heterosexual' heros do when the music at the party is shitty, their friends leave them alone and the girls are not interested? right! they play chest, of course!
Disclaimer: lets see.....
jesse is 27 (or 28 or 36 or something). matt is 21. they SO were NEVER in the same grade at high school. not forgetting to mention they didn't exactly live in the same area.
god damn it's NOT REAL

This party was lame. And lame was the understatement of the year.
Billy Idol. Billy "Idol"? Somebody that called himself "Idol" should know how to throw a party. Or he should at least know how to throw a party Jesse Lacey would like. But noooo, Lacey was bored.

Beer in hand he crawled through the crowd of LAME people, at the LAME party, in the LAME house. Most of these people he didn't know, and each time he started talking to a girl it was the same. Arrogant bitches. It was HIS job to be arrogant, what did they think who they were?

Eventually he gave up. He was too drunk to care any more and he had to waste some time before the friend he had come with would be willing to drive him back home. Glancing back at John it was obvious for Jesse that he probably had to wait until the next moring. Because John WAS having fun; with this chick; and this chick's tongue in his mouth. Damn. Never again he would agree to go to a party 80 miles away.

He scratched his head, muttered his new favourite word once more, "Lame", and sat down on the couch, briefly looking at the guy already sitting there but not really paying him any attention for now.

Matt sat boredly on the couch off to one side of the room, mostly empty beer bottle clutched in his hand. He glanced around the room, trying to remember why exactly he had agreed to come to this sad excuse for a party in the first place, and how exactly he ended up sitting alone off in the corner while his friends were actually doing something entertaining. Had they bothered to introduce him to anyone before wandering off? Of course not.

He sighed, draining the rest of his drink before leaning forward in his seat to set the empty bottle down on the coffee table, looking over when the other guy sat down next to him. He heaved another overly dramatic sigh, settling himself back in the corner of the couch, muttering to himself as he looked over toward the stereo, "What the fuck is this shit?" He rolled his eyes resumed sulking, folding his arms over his stomach as he slouched down in his seat, looking as miserable as he could manage.

"It's Kelly Clarkson and DON'T ask me why I know that," Jesse replied to the question that wasn't really meant to be answered by him. He looked at the other boy again, this time a little longer. "I know you from somewhere, don't I?"

Matt cocked an eyebrow and looked over at Jesse. "Um...I don't know...Maybe?" He looked over Jesse for a moment, deciding he looked oddly familiar as well, figuring it was probably from school or something. Not that it would really be much of an explanation considering that Matt was hardly ever actually there.

"Whatever," Jesse leaned heavy into the backrest of the couch, a part of the liquid from his almost-full beer bottle escaping and landing on the carped witout him really caring. "As long as you're also thinking this party is laaaaaame you're my man."

Matt laughed a little bitterly, tilting his head back against the back of the couch, looking up at the ceiling. "Understatement of the night, man. This party blows." He sighed. "You'd think someone with a name like Billy Idol would throw a decent party, wouldn't you?"

Jesse made a face. "Yeah, man. Who the fuck does he think he is? Does he think he's payed to make girls panic? Look at them." He made a weary hand-movement in the direction of a few girls practically fucking some guys while dancing. "They should be all over ME. You go to a party to get laid, not to get bored."

Matt just raised his eyebrows, trying not to laugh at how full of himself this kid seemed to be as he glanced over in the direction Jesse motioned. "Yeah well...life's rough, shit happens. Better luck next time."

Jesse sighed, then laughed a little. "No next time here at least. 'Next time' I'll just go somehwere where I KNOW the girls will let me into their panties. And no," He smirked at Matt, sipping at his beer. "I don't mean this établissements where you have to pay, I'm not THAT desperate yet."

Matt laughed and shook his head slightly, glancing at his empty beer sitting on the table, kind of wishing he wouldn't have to get up to get another one. "Good to know it hasn't reached that point for you yet...Keep working on that French and you might have an even easier time getting into some girls pants."

Jesse fell into the laugh and held out his bottle when he saw Matt's glance, deciding he could grab a new bottle later. "Funny you say that, the first girl I ever had sex with was the kid that taught me french. First it was only the language..." He trailed off, the smirk on his face again.

Matt smiled and took the bottle from Jesse. "Thanks. And that just goes to show you that the French thing really does work. She got you in bed that way anyway, right?" He grinned and took a sip of Jesse's beer before offering it back to him.

Jesse took his bottle again and nodded, raising his head to look at the ceiling, thinking back at that decisive day in the summer of '69 ...eh '03. "Yeah," He replied eventually, a cheezy smile plastering his face. "and I can tell you, se knew what she was doing."

Matt just kind of watched Jesse for a moment, biting his lower lip to keep himself from laughing at the pleasantly wistful look on his face. "Enjoying yourself over there, buddy?"

Jesse snapped out of his dream-like state and grinned at Matt, shrugging. "What can I say? I'm glad I'm drunk, otherwise my old friend would probably be awake now..." He laughed, shook his head and looked into his own crotch. "Am I right? You liked Yvette."

Matt snorted and leaned over to take Jesse's drink back from him, stealing another sip before handing it back, patting his shoulder as he sat back in his own seat. "You would have to be pretty wasted to start conversations with your own cock."

Jesse watched Matt for a second as if he was going crazy. "Dude! I'm not starting a conversation with my cock. He didn't say anything back, or did he?" Then he shook his head again and a silly grin was on his face again. He leanded back and sank further into the couch. "Damn, last time I was so wasted I almost let a guy fuck me." Then he giggled and looked at Matt again. "That wasn't you, or was it?"

Matt laughed and shook his head before tipping it back against the back of the couch again, rolling to one side so he could still look at Jesse. "I very highly doubt it. Almost fucking a dude is probably something I would actually remember." He paused, just looking at Jesse, his own silly grin spreading across his face. "But then again...you did say you recognized me from somewhere."

Jesse shrugged casually. "Yeah I guess I would remember that guy, especially because I'm sure that he wasn't good looking." He laughed, as if he had been telling himself a joke. "We're probably at the same school,dude."

Matt smiled to himself. "That some subtle way of saying you think I'm pretty?" He giggled softly and grinned at Jesse, batting his eyelashes.

"It wasn't so subtile if you got that,huh?" Jesse replied laughing, then placing his feet on the table in front of them, taking another sip from his drink. He swung the bottle around and drank the last bit in one gulp, lazyly throwing the empty flask on the table, surprised it didn't shatter. "I'm sure the ladies are all over you... well, the interesting ones at least."

Matt giggled and rolled his eyes, watching Jesse's bottle roll across the table top before dropping onto the floor with a dull thud. "If by 'interesting' you mean 'skanky scene girls', then yes. All the time." He shifted his eyes back up to Jesse and grinned lazily.

Jesse tilted his head to the side. "Who cares? As long they are willing? I mean...dude.. as I said... there was this guy...." He shrugged, smirking. "In the end it's all about getting off."

Matt raised his eyebrows at Jesse. "Thought you said you almost let a guy fuck you."

Jesse laughed. "Yeah, he didn't FUCK me, but he was skilled with his hands, have to honor him that. But, yeah, I wasn't wasted enough." He shook his head, remembering this other party. "When he started to undress us it clicked. 'I'm Jesse Lacey, I can't have sex with a goth guy that obviously thinks he IS Marilyn Manson.', you know, bad reputation."

"But it would be okay if he wasn't a gross goth guy who bore way too strong a resemblence to Marilyn Manson?" Matt laughed and moved in his seat, pulling his legs up onto the couch, turning more to face Jesse. "Or if you were reeeeally tanked?"

Smirking, Jesse leaned even deeper into the couch. "You know, the good thing about... things... happening at parties is, if you have second thoughts about what you did," He smirked suggestingly, "you can always PRETEND you were reeeeeeally tanked."

Matt laughed lightly, bringing a hand up to tap the end of Jesse's nose with a fingertip. "Quite right you are." He giggled, dropping his hand back down. "But the thing is...When you're drunk...you just do the things you wouldn't normally let yourself do otherwise...even if you wanted to. And therein lies the dillemma."

"I've never done anything that caused a dillema later on," Jesse was now directly locking his eyes with Matt's, his voice sounding a lot more serious. "I don't do things because I'm drunk. I never woke up to anybody thinking 'how the hell could I have sex with THIS human being?'." He shifetd in his seat lightly, then, without a real warning and their eyes still locked, he raised lightly and leaned over Matt, feeling his breathing tickling his nose. His voice was calm when his lips were close to the other boy's ear. "Tomorrow won't be the first time I regret something and you won't either."

Matt cocked an eyebrow at Jesse, moving his hand up to Jesse's chest, voice quiet when he replied, whispering in Jesse's ear, "You don't even know my name, sweetheart." He smirked and used the hand on his chest to push Jesse back where he was sitting before. "But I appreciate the ego boost."

Jesse smirked. "Are you chickening out, boy without a name?"

"I don't believe I ever agreed to anything in the first place, so how am I backing out?...And it's Matt."

"Well then, MATT," Jesse leaned foward again, his eyes briefly roaming through the room before gazing back at Matt and placing a hand on his leg, his finger tips adding light pressure on the inner side of his tight. "Tell me that you can stay completely calm and that everything you want to do is talk about your record collection."

Matt kept his eyes on Jesse's as his hand moved down to his thigh, fingers tracing over Jesse's knuckles before pushing his hand off of him, leaning up just slightly to bite the other boy's bottom lip, letting go after just a second, keep his voice calm and quiet. "Stop trying to make me beg for it, Jesse."

Jesse now took this as a 'go on with what you're doing' and let his hand creep back to where it was before, slowly sliding up towards the more interesting regions. He leaned down again and let his lips hover the other boy's, almost able to feel them, speaking just as calm as the other boy when he smirked. "Why? Because it's working?"

Matt licked his lips, tongue brushing Jesse's as he did, keeping their eyes locked as he replied, fighting to keep his voice even. "Because we're sitting in a room full of a shitload of people."

"Then," Jesse replied smirking. Another victory. "We should," He let his hand go even higher, now barely touching Matt's more sensitive body parts through the fabric of his pants, "move this to a less crowded room."

Matt's hips shifted under Jesse's touch just slightly, despite his efforts to keep still. "Don't look so pleased with yourself." He slid his hand down over Jesse's stomach, fingers curling into the waist of his pants, tugging him closer by the front of his pants, lips brushing lightly together. "You think you're the only one who's good at getting people in bed with you?"

Jesse let go of Matt's leg and pecked the boy just briefly, giving him a light idea of what he could have, before he placed both his hands on his chest to steady himself, standing up awkwardly, the alcohol showing it's impact. He giggled, shaking his head when he looked up and down on Matt. "No, you definitely get them all."

Sat, 07 May 2005 14:19:15 GMT

Rating: eh... I guess R.. mentioning of rape (kind of.. well. hard to explain without giving anything away)
Part: Prologue
Pairing: Bryan Whitemann (the guy on the left ;)) + ?? in the future.. [different pairings mentioned but I won't give anything away here...]
Summary: based off the happenings at St. Paul's
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:
*this is the Prologue, which means it kind of explains why Bryan came to St. Pauls. It might be confusing first.
*dedicated to everyone who's part of St. Paul's, mainly fuck_the_ghbus for telling me about it and.. ehm. other reasons ;D

"Bryan....."

Hearing his name in a shaky voice, he laid the magazine he was reading down and turned his head to look in the direction of his door, his younger cousin leaning in the doorframe.

"Yes, David?" He asked, aware that something was up with the 13 years old.

David sniffed a bit, walked towards Bryan's bed and sat down beside him.
He didn't say anything, just hugged Bryan tight and started sobbing heavily.

Bryan didn't know what was going on but hugged David back just as tight, whispering 'everything will be okay' to the kid.

"No, no." Was all he got.

He waited, feeling helpless, until David calmed down again.

He had to wait long.

But eventually David raised his head and looked at him with swollen, watery eyes, his face bright red and wet.

"Am I teasing, Bryan?" He asked, his voice only barely above a whisper.

Bryan's heart started beating faster and faster.

"What do you mean?" He asked, memories flashing in the back of his mind.

David looked at him, his eyes already telling the answer, his mouth working against him. "He said I would end up just like you. He said I made him sick. He said I'd go to hell. He said he'd show me what I deserve. He said he could do everything he wants. He was trying to.. trying to..."

By the end of it the boy was crying heavier than before, only barely able to breath under his sobs.

Bryan couldn't think straight any more.
No.
No.
No.
He just starred at David, shaking his head.

*****

Mrs. Whitemann knocked on the door, even though she knew Bryan wouldn't answer.

When she finally entered, she found her son like he'd been the last weeks. He was curled up in a fetal position, starring into nothing.

She stepped inside the room, sat on his bed beside him and stroked through his hair. She sobbed lightly, trying to compose herself. She wanted to tell him what David's mother had told her, no matter if he answered her or not. She had to try. She had to find out the truth.

"Bryan, I hope you're listening." She started, hoping he would react.

He didn't.

"I will tell you something now, and I hope you answer my questions.."

She paused, inhaled deeply and grabbed for Bryan's hands, making fists.

"Your uncle tried to rape David. He abused him pretty bad. Just because he told him that another guy in his class liked him...."

After she said that Bryan knew what she was going to ask.
He knew he couldn't lie to her.

He started shaking and she watched him with more concern than ever, knowing her deepest fear was true.

"Did your uncle ever do anything to you?"

Bryan started sobbing, silently first but soon he was openly crying. He tried to curl farther into his bed, but his mother gripped him tightly, drawing him close to her body and hugged him harder than she'd ever done in his whole life.

He clinged onto her as if it would make everything he'd done just vanish, make the last year of his life be a long nightmare. Making him forget what he made his uncle do. Making him forget what he made all the others do.

"Mum, I'm sorry" was all he could say when he climbed into her lap, holding on to her like he did when he was a little kid and hid his face in her chest. She rubbed his back like she used to back than, tears streaming down her face.

Tears of pure hate and disgust towards her own brother.
Tears of fear for her litte boy being broken, afraid he wasn't going to be fixed again.

*****

"How is he?" Dorn was sitting down on the couch in the Whitemann's living room, next to Michael, squeezing his hand.

"He talks again, we should be thankful for that." Mr. Whitemann told her as he came out of the kitchen with something to drink for Bryans... friends. He placed the glasses on the table and sat down next to his wife. "I can't say I like what he told me, though."

Mrs. Whitemann wiped a few tears from her eyes. "I really hope we're doing the right thing."

Michael just starred at the ground blankly.

Dorn nodded. "He needs help."

Then Michael began to speak and all eyes were on him. "We should have noticed. We should have seen how he was becoming so avoidant. Why didn't we? How can we say we love somebody and not be aware of how he's destroying himself?"

He finally said what everybody in the room had been thinking since Bryan stopped talking a month ago. Dorn and Michael, both Bryan's lovers and best friends; and his mother and father, they never really noticed how Bryan was beginning to block everything out. They didn't know anything about what he'd done. Everything he'd confessed to his parents during the last days, since the day his mother came into his room and asked him about his uncle, had made them extremely worried.

They sat in silence until Dorn began to speak again.

"I wish he would want to see us. I want him to know that I will never stop loving him, no matter what he did."

"We can't force him. He won't even let David talk to him any more." Mr. Whitemann said, holding his wife's hand. "Dr. Zinter said he feels too guilty. He doesn't understand that nothing of this is really his fault."

"He will be okay." Mrs Whitemann threw in, looking at Dorn. "I just want you both to move on. You need to be his friends now."

Dorn nodded again, wiping the tears from her eyes. She knew Mrs Whitemann was right.

Michael just kept starring holes into the opposide wall. He didn't even listen to what was said. All he knew was that his best friend had tried to kill himself.

The Jetset Life Is Gonna Kill Us part 2

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 08:38:04 GMT

Writer: hxc_sucks aka me
Rating: I have absolutely no Idea. harmless as fuck (ok, so now it's R for bad language. lol)
Part: 2 of ?
Summary: well.. son of a famous rockstar meets groupie.. trallala!
Disclaimer: I owe this. It's all mine. bwahaha.
Notes: OMCs.

Dan thought he had seen a lot, but this was really something else. He had met a few groupies before, of course. Some girls even tried to hook up with him, seeing a weird kind of 'trophy' in him. He hated them all.
But as much as he hated their lack of self-esteem, he always felt sorry for those who were realizing what they were doing. Those who realized that they were nothing special.

And this was exactly the situation Jason was in right now.

He was on his way down the corridor and had just entered the elevator when Dan paced after him and stepped beside the skinny black haired boy. Dan pushed the ground floor button and sighed.

Jason was astonished. He had no clue what the blonde might have in mind.

"So I was right?" Dan was facing him and he nodded.

"Holy shit."

"Are you starting to insult me now? Go ahead, I don't care." Jason was surprised how emotionless his words came out when all he really wanted was to go home and curl up and die. He felt so dizzy and numb, he didn't even realize the tears that were building in the corner of his eyes. A couple of minutes before he was in a state of pureness, felt higher than ever before. And now he was standing next to a boy who had let him crush to earth and even further down, made him realize that he was nothing more than a whore for Corey. The only difference being Corey didn't pay because he knew the slick boy was adoring him.
Jason was adoring Corey.
Now he was sure he didn't even want to go to the concert of his favourite band tonight. He wouldn't stand seeing the 40 years old that took his virginity like it was nothing special at all...

Dan stared at him blankly, leaning against the elevator door. He didn't know why he had followed Jason in the first place and now he had to think about this. He always thought of Corey as a great person, he was always the calm guy who Dan never saw with any groupies. He knew his father had some, Dan wasn't stupid. But Corey? Dan wondered if he only thought he never saw him with any groupies. There often were a few guys backstage, he just never thought they had that reason to be there, they where younger than the girls the other guys met... there was no way Jason was older than maybe 15 or 16.

"No, I wanted to apologize, okay? I'm sorry." He said when the elevator doors opened and they stepped out. He felt bad for Jason, who was oviously in a miserable state.

The other boy's dark brown eyes stared at him in disbelieve. "Apologize? What for? I know what you're thinking. And You're right. I'm an idiot for thinking I'd be somebody. You guys don't even know what Corey is doing and I thought it actually meant something. I thought I wasn't like the others but.." He softly sobbed, trying to stop his eyes getting more wet. "...I'm like all of them." He hated himself for being exactly like all these girls.

"See, Jason..." Dan was actually proud he cold remember the kid's name, his ADD was pretty evelved. "I've heard this speech before, and I most likely don't get the whole thing. But I know you must feel like shit right now and I'm sorry I yelled at you. You just... kind of shocked me."

"I'm sorry for that." Jason shrugged and when in the direction of the lobby. He didn't want to deal with Dan now; or ever. He wanted to leave and forget.
Regret.

Dan grabbed his wrist when he followed him and Jason turned around, glaring at him.

"Don't appologize, I should be the one doing that. I know you probably won't believe me, but I'm really sorry. It's just.. you're right. I had absolutely no idea what was going on and I know that when I can't find anybody to talk to I will just stomp into Corey's room and do something stupid, kill him or whatever..."

Jason was shocked. He didn't understand Dan's behaviour at all.

"Why would you do that?"

Dan sighed, his gaze not leaving Jason's face. "You don't seem like somebody that should be treated like he obviously did. I feel really bad for that."

He knew he was acting weird, not rational, but something about this other boy's presence made him curious. He wanted to know more about him, more about the whole thing. The band. He never understood what the fans, the groupies, saw in his father or the rest of the guys.

"I'm okay." Jason didn't know why he said that. He knew he wasn't okay. He felt insecure. Something about Dan's way to appologize made him want to cry out loud and he didn't want to seem like the emo pansy he knew he really was.

"You're not." Dan replied. He pressed his fingers deeper into Jason's wrist (that he didn't relize he was still gripping) to assure him he wouldn't let him just leave and kept on talking. "You're coming to my room with me now, I bet Corey didn't even let yourself get cleaned."

Jason just looked down at his wrist and let himself be dragged back into the elevator, wondering why on earth he was already beginning to interpret more into Dan's actions.

Stay With Me (pt.6)

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 15:27:45 GMT

Writer: hxc_sucks aka me
Rating: NC-17 (yes, I finally ruined it...)
Part: 6 of ?
Pairing: Sonny/Nate (from first to last/finch, no Jesse and Dan in this one...)
Summary: high school stuff.
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:
*still my first try with 'real' persons so don't be too harsh
*i don't know much about the american school system, if somethings waaaaay stupid just ignore it please
*i'm not english so don't yell at me when i use wrong grammar or words
*special thanks to savemeforlast for beta-ing and Mr. I'm-not-as-nice-as-I-pretend-to-be for being a dork :P

"You mean we have to buy that first?" I blush.

The thought of going into a store and just buying condoms and lube is scary. What will the cashier think? Okay. Two guys. It will be more that obvious. Help!

"Unfortunately, yes.." Nate shrugs and smiles at me. "There's a drug store around the corner."

He points to the end of the street and I sigh. This is going to be awkward. Now people will not only know that we're a couple, people will know that we're a couple that has sex. (Okay, going to have sex...)

So we enter the shop and I head straight to the back, pretending to buy some shampoo. There is NO way am I going to pick this. Nate just looks at me and starts grinning. Yeah, think I'm cute the way I act right now. I don't care….

He takes me by the hand before I can grab something from the shelf and pulls me into a soft embrace, kissing me slowly. Smiling at me, he leads me to a shelf closer to where the cashier is and…

"Hey.” Nate is grinning at her. Oh great, they know each other....

"Hey, Nate. I'm sorry I couldn't be at the show tonight. You see...” She makes a descriptive gesture around the Shop. "...work."

"I know. It's okay. You'll just come to the next show.” He smiles at her genuinely and I poke his side. Tell me who that is… introduce me or something.

He looks at me and grins. "Stop that, horny kid."

Kid? Horny? O-kay. “Eh…don’t make me feel like this was my idea”

“But it was?” Damn, he’s right. And I lost count of how many times I was blushing today.

“Anyway, “ He makes a small gesture in my direction, looking at the girl. “Alice, this is Sonny.”

I shake hands with her and after the routine ‘nice to meet you’ she blurts out “Are you his boyfriend or something?”

“Eh… yeah.. I guess so…” (No, I am not going to tell you what colour my face is right now)

“What a pity, you’re hot.” She looks back at Nate –who just picked up something that looks an awful lot like a pack of condoms and … eh… you know- and almost yells “Do you think you could lend me your companion sometime? Make a few kids jealous, you know?”

“No.”

He goes back to the cashiers area and puts the items on the table, standing closer to me and pecks me lightly, still having a huge grin on his face.

"This boy is all mine.”

I give into it and deepen the kiss, putting my arms around his waist.

“Oh really? I thought I belong to myself. Not that I’d mind being yours.”

I have to admit that’s really cheesy but come on. I’m in love. And now that I realize what I’m thinking...I’m giggling. Help!

“Eww gross, go home, boys…”

We look at Alice who falls into a laugher and she just hands Nate his bill.

“That’s what we were planning to do, dork.” He replies to her remark.

“Whatever, queer fellow. See ya on Sunday, right?”

“Yeah, I already told Linda I’m coming.”

Alice turns to me again, smiling in a pretty way. “I want to go to the Lake with a few friends from college that are staying this week-end. Wanna come with us, Sonny?”

“Sure, I just have to go to a rehearsal. This band that played tonight is searching for a singer and the guitar player will kill me if I won’t be there…”

And he looks like he meant it I mentally add. Trevor = scary guy.

"Stop flirting, you won't get him" Nate tells her when he pushes me towards the exit and we both tell her good-bye. (I think she yelled something like 'have fun' but I wasn't listening anymore... Nate’s hand on my stomach makes me almost forget to walk properly).

When I finally sit back in the passengers seat of his car I feel a huge weight on my shoulders and let out a rather loud sigh. Alice seems nice, but that was such an unfamiliar situation.....

"Alice is my ex-girlfriend" Nate says, turning to me.

"Oh." Yes, my famous intelligent answer again.

He fumbles with the car key in his hand and looks down at it, turning his gaze off me.

"I met her at Linda's birthday party the year I moved up here. She's her cousin." he sighs as-well. "She liked me the second she saw me and I was really flattered, nobody ever liked me. I thought she was nice, so....after some months we became a couple…"

He pauses and waits for me to say something, but I really don't know what I should say. He had a girlfriend?

"Did you have sex with her?" I flinch after asking this, it just came out of nowhere.

He's still not looking at me and nods.

"It was...Not that I really wanted to.... But I thought ... I thought I'd like it."

"But you didn't." I state, thinking about why he is telling me this now.

"It wasn't horrible, but I felt out of place. And she did as-well. Then, out of the blue, the next day she broke up with me...."

"I'm sorry." I am. I really am. Breaking up is hard. And breaking up because of such a reason is just.. wrong. I don't know what to think about Alice now.

“Don’t be.” He looks at me for a brief second and I see him smiling at me. It really is contagious and I have to smile back.

“I was confused. I never expected her to break up with me and I thought it was because of my inefficacy. I told her I was sorry everything was such a mess and she said it wasn’t because of that, that she knew it wasn’t my fault. She told me she really loved me and how much she had been hoping her intentions were wrong. I didn’t get anything of what she was saying and started yelling at her. I couldn’t understand why she thought it would be better to break up if we both loved each other and that everything would be better the next time we tried. I really believed in that.”

Nate sighs, grabs a cigarette, lights it and takes a drag. I gesture him to continue.

“She waited for me to calm down. Then she just hugged me and said that she knew that I loved her. But it wasn’t the kind of love I should feel for somebody that I claim my significant other…”

I think I get this now…

“So, in other terms… she knew you were gay before you realized that.”

“Yeah, that’s the short version.”

He smiles at me and we both lean closer and kiss. He tastes like an ashtray, but I don’t mind. I grin and he grins back.

Eventually he starts the engine and I remember what we wanted to do..

“Well, at least that means you know the basics then, hun?”

He looks at me out of the corner of his eyes, head low and I see him blushing heavily.

“I guess so….”

I fiddle with my fingers in my lap. “So we don’t really need to discuss who will be bottom…”

Yeah, I thought about that. I’ll give it a try. It won’t hurt THAT much, right?

“Are you sure?” He sounds like he doesn’t really know if he should be excited or worried and he’s just so cute!

“Yeah,” I laugh. “Watch the traffic, silly kid. We won’t be able to fuck each other’s brains out when we’re in the hospital… or dead.”

“God, Sonny.” He almost yells, laughing as well. “Stop talking like that, I’m concentrating hard enough already.”

“Eh…..hard. yeah..” I glance at his crotch and, yes, I see what I expected to see. “Nate, I think you have a little problem.”

“Oh really? I didn’t notice.” He grins and stares at the road. “That’s your fault.”

I glide in my seat and open my seatbelt. I lean closer to Nate, placing my right hand on his shoulder in a way that he can still see the road and whisper “You know, I really can’t wait much longer, and I don’t think you can, so why don’t you hurry a bit. My ass is impatient.”

I really don’t know what devil is riding me but I can tell you, talking like this is FUN.

I sit back in my seat, watching Nate looking at me oddly.

“Holy shit, Sonny, that was seriously…” He’s still laughing, now shifting in his seat. I guess his pants are getting uncomfortable. “You’re an ass.”

I am so glad that we’re already in the drive way to his house and stick my tongue out. How old are we again? Five? “I HAVE an ass, and you like that.”

We laugh and he gets out of the car, gesturing me to wait and opens my door. I cock my eyebrow at him and take his hand to lift me up.

“First you’re saying I’m an ass and now you’re all gentleman-like?”

“Yepp, now come on, we’ve got to get sweaty…”

He grabs the ‘utensils’ we bought from the backseat, slams the car door shut and we head to the back door hand in hand.

When we're inside the house we go straight to the steps and he drags me along, not saying one word but humming a little melody I'm all too familiar with by now. (My song. My. Song.) I press his hand tighter and smile like a madman.

We reach the first floor and are now standing in front of a door.

"I'm sorry it's such a mess, but, you know... I didn't really... expect you to... you know..."

I roll my eyes, pretending to be annoyed, but secretly just thinking he is the most handsome and adorable guy possible.

"Nate, just open the door." I laugh and he shrugs, pushing the door knob down and we both enter his room.

It’s not that messy, just a lot of clothing on the floor….
I eye his different movie and band posters and scan for his bed. When I find my aim in the corner of the room I hop in this direction and turn around, when I am standing in front of it. He follows me and shakes his head grinning widely.

"You're crazy, you know that, right?" I nod and he pecks me. "You're so cute."

"I'm not." I say, wrapping my arms around his back. "You are."

Score! I can make him blush as-well!

"Music?" He asks, shifting his feet. I shake my head and kiss him, slowly, biting his bottom lip. He sighs and loosens his tense posture.

Gently pushing against my shoulders until I lean on the bed he lays down on top of me, grinning and placing the lube and condoms on the nightstand.

We press our foreheads against each other's and both take a deep breath, staring into each others wide eyes smiling.

After staying like that for a while I grab the hem of his shirt, push and pull teasingly to drag it over his head and throw it to the floor, soon followed by my own that he is relieving me from.

My hands roam over his exposed chest I can now see for the first time and I shiver when he bents down to kiss along my neck and down my collarbone and chest, biting one of my nipples. I moan and can feel him grinning against my skin.

I close my eyes, only to have them shot open a second later because he starts to unbuckle my belt and opens the button of my jeans.

This is getting serious now...

I take in a deep breath and buck my hips up to help him tug them along after he opens the zipper. He pulls at the waistband and soon my pants are lying on the floor.

He leans forward and places a small kiss on my lips while my hands are placed on his shoulders, digging into the skin.

He strokes through my hair, his eyes locked on mine.

I reach down, open his belt and button as well and he tosses his pants down, kicking them from his ankles.

He's so damn hot.

My smile widens and Nate grins at me coyly.

"You're so beautiful, Sonny." He tells me between kisses and I can only respond 'hmnt', what makes him put his head on my shoulder and laugh.

We lay like this for a while, just enjoying each other so close when eventually his tongue softly makes it's way along my neck. He places little kisses on my skin and I moan when he starts sucking one of my nipples again.

He suspires in response and I feel his hand dragging on my boxer's waistband. I take in a breath and bug my hips up so he can free me from my underwear, staring right into his eyes.

I smile and nod to assure him he can go on and with a rushed move my boxers are following my pants to the floor.

He places small kisses on my knees and drags my socks off, still eyeing me when he pulls off his shorts as-well.

I grab the Tube from the nightstand, pressing it into his hand. Nodding at him I hope he starts soon, because my excitement is hurting already.

"Are you absolutely positive you want to do this?" He asks while he squeezes the lube into his hand. I simply nod and smile at him.

He angles my legs and his clean hand strokes along my inner tights, down my leg and along my 'sensitive' region. I shiver when he starts stroking my erection slowly and buck my hips to meet the movement.

He doesn’t pay attention to my little friend for long, though. Soon he places his hand on my knee to hold himself and I can feel one of his lube-coated fingers petting my entrance. Then he is pushing it inside. This feels funny.

"Sonny, are you okay?" He looks up, leaning above me and when our lips meet I concentrate on his tongue in my mouth and not the unfamiliar feeling of his finger in my butt.

I mumble a hushed 'uh-huh' and close my eyes, letting one of my hands clench into the sheets and the other one grab into his hair.

He covers my hand on the sheets with the one he had placed on my knee to comfort me when he pushes another finger inside slowly. I wince because it does hurt a bit and he breaks our kiss.

He pulls his fingers out and leans back, sighing heavily. "I'm sorry.."

I open my eyes again and meet his slightly sad looking eyes.

"Don't be sorry," I tell him, grabbing his shoulders to draw him closer again, pecking him. "And don't you dare to stop again."

"Okay…” The smirk in his face returns an he is pushing three fingers inside of me now, smashing his tongue into my mouth again to distract me.

I flinch and feel a tear running down my cheek that Nate soon wipes away. He breaks the kiss once again, pulling his fingers out.

“Keep your eyes shut.” He whispers into my ear and I nod, having an idea what he’s planning to do.

I can feel his body shifting on the bed and what seems like an eternity later I feel something hot and wet around my dick and gasp out loud. I am so stunned, I don’t even notice him pushing his fingers back inside first and try to concentrate on inhaling and exhaling.

While gently sucking only the head of my cock and driving me into insanity with this he curls his fingers inside of me and tugs out to push them back in, deeper.

“Fuck,” I cry out. “Do that again.” What was that?? Oh! My! God!

He takes me out of his mouth and I open my eyes again, looking at him trusting his fingers into me. This is looking so hot.

He smirks, leans closer to my face and hovers his lips above mine.

“You like that? Imagine my dick inside of you…”

“Nate. Fuck. Me. Already.” I declare breathless, arching my back with another hit at my prostate. I really don’t know why we suddenly keep on talking like that but it’s turning me on more than anything else.

He licks his lips, brushing mine in the same movement and I catch his tongue with mine peaking out. We start a feverish tongue-fight and he pulls his fingers out once again.

Seeing the pure lust in his eyes makes me go crazy and I put my hands around his neck to pull him closer.

He frees himself from my grip and grabs the condoms. I takes one out and opens the wrapping, looking at me. I bit my bottom lip and grinn at him sheepishly when he rolls the rubber over. He takes the lube once again and presses a good amount into his palm. I watch him impatiently while he coats his cock and then leans back down above me to kiss me.

He angles my legs around his waist and I feel him shivering when the tip of his cock is laying against my entrance. I grab his shoulders, our eyes locked, and I smile from ear to ear. I swear this is the best moment of my life.

I almost bit down on his tongue in my mouth when he slowly presses inside. This hurts. A lot. I squeeze my eyes shut and wait for him to stop pushing. When the tip of his cock is inside of me he does and I let out the air I was holding and open my eyes again. He is looking at me, already sweating, and I will have this view branded in my memory forever. He is so.. so.. I can't even find any words to describe how perfect he is anymore....

I gasp when he pushes the rest inside in one trust and dig my nails into his skin.

Smiling funny when he looks at me, his face forming an apology, I try to catch some breath to say something.

“Nate, I swear next time you’ll go through this.” Well, I don’t like pain. Much....

He smiles back at me; obviously relived I’m ok, and nods.

"Go on," I finally tell him. "Fuck me into oblivion."

He kisses me hard in response, slowly pulling out a bit and pushes back in with more force. I bit my bottom lip. It still hurts, but far less than before.

After a few trust he pulls out more and more, quicken the pace.

"God. Sonny. Fuck."

My name between these words makes me giggle and now I'm wondering if I really am five years old.

I gasp when he hits this nice spot inside my body and try to buck up with his thrusts.

“Nate, faster.” I yell.

He slams into me faster, biting his bottom lip and groans.

When he changes the pace to long hard thrust I know he's close and I hope I'm able to come as-well. I grab my dick but Nate sees this and replaces my hand with his, stroking me with the rhythm of his thrusts.

This is all I need and after a few more hits my breath is becoming hash, swiftly and there is the first shot of my cum.

He thrusts into me a few more times and then I feel him coming as-well, yelling my name.

Sighing he pulls out, tosses the condom in the trash can and falls down onto the bed. He grabs the tissue-box from the nightstand to clean our mess and pecks me.

I lay my head on his chest and look up at him, brushing hair out of his face.

"Would you freak out if I told you I loved you?"

"No," He says. "Because I love you, too, Sonny." Awwwwww. I'm feeling like chuckling could be my new hobby.

I sit up and hover above him.

"Nate, I love you."

And with that finally said I lean in for another kiss and wait for sleep to overtake me.

**********

When I wake up I try to put my feet on the ground but there’s a wall where there’s supposed to be no wall. O-kay. I’m not in my room.
I turn around and abruptly remember last night and why I’m not in my own bed.
I clone the expression I see on his face and grin at Nate brightly.

He mouths ‘Good morning’ and then leans closer to peck my lips and forehead.

“Did you get enough sleep?”

I yawn. “No,” and then I really just .have to. smirk “but I’m not tired.”

His grin slowly fades and he shifts so he can lean on his elbow, still looking at me. “Good, because it’s half past 12 and my father will be here soon. You should at least be dressed when he arrives.”

"Okay" I say, not hiding my disappointment. Then he pecks me and I yawn.

"Not tired at all you are." He stated grinning.

"Maybe a little bit."

"I wish we could stay like this forever."

I give him an odd look and I know he thinks he said something wrong, but there won't be a right time so I just have to ask now.

I place my feet on the side of the bed and sit, grab my shorts and my pants from the floor and put them on. I turn back to face him and he isn't smiling any more. He knows what's coming next.

"Nate, how bad is the situation with you and your father?"

He makes a face and leans back against the wall.

"Pretty bad I'd say." He grabs the sheets around him hard. "I really don't want to deal with this any longer, but I have no choice. He pays. I want to go to a good college and I won't let him ruin my future. Right now we kind of just live our lives. He doesn't care what I'm doing as long as he doesn't know it, as long as I do what he expects me to do."

I lean back and look at him.

"I'm sorry to say that, but... I think your father must be an asshole."

"Don't apologize." He gives me a fake smile. "He is. I'd love to just tell him that he was wrong each time he said it was a too mellow education that made people gay. I wouldn't say his way of educating me was mellow."

"He really said that?"

"Yeah, he's really.. well. He's pretty fascistic. He's against many things..... He wouldn't take it too well if he knew his only son was such a badly brought-up child..."

I want to reply something else when we hear somebody shouting Nate's name from downstairs.

Nate looks at me apologetically and sighs. "There he is."

He pecks me and sighs. "I'll be right back. Get dressed, okay?"

I nod and he grabs his pants and shirt to put them on on his way.

When he closes the door behind him I do as I'm told and finish to get dressed. I roam through his room to find something to distract my weird thoughts about what his father would be like when I hear voices coming closer.

"Nate, they saw you holding hands" Shit. "and I told you... No.Girls.In.This.House." Girl? Naa.

"Dad, they are old. Maybe that's what they thought they saw, but I wasn't holding any girl's hand."

I grin, hoping back on the bed when I hear the door cracking open...

"So, there's nobody in your room then?"

"Well, there is..." Nate tells his father who opens the door and then sees me sitting on the bed, pretending to be occupied with the dirt under my fingernails.

"Uhm.." I look at Nate's father and hold up my hand when I stand up. "Hi. I'm Sonny."

Smooth...I'm not nervous at all and I don't want to vomit right now.

"No surprise the Millers thought you had a girl here. He kinda looks like a fag." My jaw drops down and I can't believe he said that. "Sonny, eh? Never seen you before.."

"I... I... Just moved here."

"I see." Then he turns to Nate. "I'm out again in about two hours. I don't want this kid around here."

Nate just nods and his father leaves his room again.

"I don't like him." I tell Nate.

"He doesn't like you either, I can tell you." He replies, putting his arms around me. "I'm sorry but I guess I should drive you home."

So, having no choice, a few minutes later we're standing in the drive way of my house.

"Get some sleep, right?" Nate asks me.

I nod. "Yes, mum."

I give him a rather long good-bye kiss and when I open the door he gestures me to call him. I nod again and traipse to the front door, waving at him grinning when he drives off.

I put my key in and unlock the door, opening it slowly. I don't really want to deal with my parents right now. I might do a few crazy things, since my head is so dizzy and I feel like I'm high on something. I mean....

When I think about last night I have to giggle.
Great. My parents have heard that.

"Sonny, is that you?"

Who else has a key to the house?? "Yeah, mum. I'll be in my room, I'm tired."
I'm not really 'tired', I guess I'm just 'exhausted'...hehe. There, I giggled again.....

"You need to eat, honey. Come in here." My mum. Always afraid I could be starving.

I sigh and make my way into the room and stand in the door frame.

"I'm really not hungry, I didn't get much sleep last night, had to get up early this morning." I shrug. Maybe they won't get into it. And technically I wasn't lying.

My dad clears his throat and takes his eyes off his meal, smiling at me. "Right. And we don't know what a 17 years old boy really does when he sleeps at a friends house."

My mother turns towards him. "You think he really....??"

"He had sex, that's why he didn’t get much sleep last night. I know the expression on his face."

My mouth drops open. Did he really just say that? Okay. I'm dying. Right here. Right now.

"W-what?" is all I can say. I expected them to know what was going on (at least part of it, since…you know) but I didn't think they'd actually talk about this with me. Like this!

"Buddy, you didn't believe you can fool us, did you?” My father goes on.

I don’t know what to think, really. They don’t know, they have no idea at all. Maybe I should just tell them that –in fact- I did fool them? But it wasn’t my fault. I never wanted to hide anything in the first place. I always planed on telling them.

“Is it this girl you told me about?"

Take a deep breath, Sonny, deep breath.

"No, mum…” I can’t lie to her, them. The truth is getting out now. They will understand, will they? “It wasn't Linda, I…was with... I’m…" I sigh, not really ready to go on and then my father interrupts me, looking slightly worried; even angry.

“Tell us her name then…….you know her name, don’t you? You’re not just sleeping with a girl and don’t even ask for her name, right?”

Does he really think I could ever behalf like that? Okay, maybe I know Nate for only a few days and maybe we fooled around after only knowing each other a few hours, but that’s two different things. When you meet the love of your life you just know it. And that’s what even my mum told me often....

“I’m not fucking anybody and don’t even ask for a name, dad. His name is Nate. There. It's out. Are you happy now? God damn!”

I sigh heavily and can't stand the sick air in the living room any more. I need to go into my room before they realize what I just told them. But unfortunately my mother is quick with such things.

"Are you saying you are.... gay?" The way she says this word makes it seem like an insult so much. This hurts. A lot.

"Look at the Way he dresses, Tara. We could have guessed it." My father just states. He must be insane!

"Are you fucking kidding me??" my voice is probably louder that it should be but who are you blaming? "The way I dress has got nothing to do with my sexuality!" With that said I turn and leave the living room, pace up the stairs and throw the door to my room close behind me.

I turn on the stereo and "In Hope" by Boysetsfire is blasting through my room. I let myself fall onto the bed and bury my head deep inside the cushion. I don't want to cry, I know it won't change anything, but the tears are building mercilessly.
My parents won't understand.
My mother will keep on moping about not getting any grandchildren and my father will just be ashamed of me.

I need their support. More then anything else. I'm so afraid of what is going to happen when Nate's father finds out.

I only hope my parents won’t tell anybody else so word isn’t spread. But people at the club were seeing us. Shit. I need to call Nate and make sure everything is alright.

I sit back on the corner of my bed, wipe away the tears and want to reach for my telephone when the door cracks open.

"I knocked but the music is too loud." My father states, goes to my stereo, turns the volume down and sighs.

“Get out.” I am surprised how monotonous my voice sounds. “You can’t kick me out if that’s what you’re planning on doing, there’s laws.”

“I just want to talk to you.”

”Why? Do you want to hear that you won’t change anything? Yes, I’m gay, Dad. And yes, I am sure about that.”

He looks at me with an odd expression. “You really had sex with this guy?”

“What? Do you think I made that up in my mind to shock you or something?” I take a deep breath and try hard to not let my anger take the overhand. “Do you want to hear the details?”

“I just want to know what is going on with you.” Maybe he is going insane... because he can’t be serious.

I sigh. "Yeah, that would be a change, for once.”

He still looks at me like he isn’t getting anything of what I am saying.

“Come on, dad. Do you really care? You want to know what is going on with me? Do you even know anything about me?. Did you ever notice I wasn’t like everybody else? And I’m not talking about being gay…” I pause, looking away from him. “Do you know the title of my favourite book? Or my favourite movie? I bet you already forgot my boyfriend’s name.” I sigh. It’s finally time to tell him all of this. “We moved up here and first I really hated it. I liked how things were going before. I was this loner type of kid that was just dragged along with everybody else. Did you ever notice that? No, you didn’t. But I met so many awesome kids the last couple of days. I really like having friends, finally.” I close my eyes and think about the happenings since Monday morning. “I always wanted to know what it feels like to love somebody. You’re not taking this from me….”

I take a deep breath and face him. He has sit down in a chair next to my bed and is looking at me with tears in his eyes as-well.

I lower my head and rub my nose, sniffing. "Please don't make this hard for me, Dad.. His father is.. he is.. " I can't. I realize how afraid I am that I could be the reason somebody hurts Nate. I feel sick and curl back in my bed.

My father stands up from the chair and grabs my hands, raising me up from my pathetic position and takes me into a tight hug.

I bury my face into his chest, a few warm tears soaking his shirt. We stay like that for a little while and I just let my tears flow, my hands clinched in the back of his shirt. I think I haven’t cried like this in ages, if ever.

“I love you,” My father eventually whispers. “I love you, no matter what. You hear me?”

I can’t say anything. I just press myself closer to him and sob.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to react the way I did. I wasn’t trying to insult you.” He goes on. “Okay?”

He grabs my shoulders and makes me look at him. I nod and he hugs me again.

"I care about you. A lot. I'm sorry if I didn't show that much. I'll be there for you, you can talk about everything with me. Just not.... too detailed, okay?" he shivers lightly and I don't blame him. At least he tries. "So tell me about this boy, Nate, right?"

I nod again and sit back on my bed, my father patting my shoulder lightly, sitting next to me.

"See, I did pay attention." His smile is weak. This is so awkward.

"There is not much to tell, really." I could talk about Nate for hours. "We have a few classes together, he's the singer of one of the bands I saw yesterday, they’re really good, you should see them.."

"Wait a second" my father interrupts me. "You know this guy from school?"

"Yeah." I slowly reply. I know what's going to be his next question.

"That means you only knew him for five days?”

"Yeah, I know him five days. I know Jesse five days, I know Dan five days… You thought I was going out with Linda, who I also met at school. And you didn’t see a problem with that?”

"Actually, I did. I was more concerned about her, though. I know how boys are like. And I was in a band once, so I especially know how band guys are like. He probably sees somebody else every week and I don't want you to be heart-broken."

It amazes me how he seems to be really caring about me, but, no. He has a completely wrong picture about Nate.

"He's not like that Dad. He is. He is-" Great. Adorable. Contagious. Alluring. Gorgeous. Sweet. Cute. Smart... "-He's not just playing with me, if that's what you're trying to say. He's perfect. He really is."

"I hope he is. I hope this is making you happy." Then my father hugs me again. "But did you at least use protection? I just want you to be careful."

So much for cheesy ‘I’m in loooove’ conversations with my dad...

I look at him and he blushes. I guess he doesn't really like the thought of me having sex. Having sex with a guy. But it feels good to know that he cares. I nod and he pads me again.

"Okay. So I don't have to worry about you?" I shake my head.

"I knew I loved him before I met him." Savage Garden in my head.. "Which is funny 'cause I though I was straight and all...." I grin wryly, angle my legs and curl my arms around them, shrugging. Then I yawn. I'm really fucking tired now.

"I think you should call him and invite him over tonight. After that get some sleep, Son."

Oh no. PANIC. I cock my head to one side and don't know what to think, do, or whatever. "Invite him over?"

"Sure. Or do you want to hide him? I can't speak for your mother but I promise I won't show him baby photos of you." I feel light-headed again. I knew my father wouldn't hate me, but I was still afraid of it.

Now I only need to be afraid of the way he will treat Nate and what my father might think about my boyfriend.
My boyfriend.
That sounds nice.

He places his hands on my shoulders and goes on. "I'm just curious. I wasn't paying much attention and I'm really sorry about that. And I think your mother will be a lot happier if she knows this boy is good for you."

I know what he's really trying to say is 'I know what most boys are like' but then again... last time I checked I was male as-well. And I guess my father didn't forget that.

"Do you think mum will be ok...with...this?"

"Yes, she will be okay. Don't worry about it."

I nod and then he makes his way to the door of my room.

"Dad?" I speak and he turns. "Thank you."

He smiles at me and then closes the door behind him.

I grab the phone and dial Nate's number, feeling relieved when it's not his father answering the call.

____________________________________________________

this thing is getting way out of hand... don't shoot me

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 16:02:02 GMT

Writer: hxc_sucks aka me
Rating: I have absolutely no Idea.
Part: 1 of ?
Summary: can't really think of a good one... read it!
Disclaimer: I owe this. It's all mine. bwahaha.
Notes: OMCs. posted this at boyskissing_fic already

'Why the hell didn't I look up? Why do I always run into people.' Dan cursed at himself, trying to get back at his feet.

"'m sorry" he mumbled his apology without looking at the kid he ran into.

"Who are you?" He asked when he was finally on his feet again, looking at this skinny guy who was stroking through his messy short black hair, obviously to get it in shape again.

"Jason Arthur Diller, it's a pleasure." He dropped a curtsy and grinned at Dan, showing all his teeth. He loved saying his full name. He loved acting like he was 'somebody'. "May I know your name, Sir?"

"Dan." He held out his hand and Jason glanced, shook it without any pressure. Like it was glass and could break.

Dan gave him an astonished look. "What were you doing in there?"

He pointed at the door Jason just left. Corey's hotel room.

"What do you think I was doing?" Jason's smile was now turning into a smirk as he though of telling Dan that Corey was the one doing something.

His smirk made Dan wonder. He looked at Jason close once again. "Whoa, don't tell me you were stealing some of Corey's properties to sell it on ebay."

Jason couldn't believe this and started laughing. He just had the best time of his entire life, wanted to jump off a bridge and die happy and this strange blonde kid asked him if he stole something? He wasn't like that. He wasn't some mad fan. He wasn't like all these girls. He was something special.

...at least he could pretend.

"What? Oh.... yeah.. that's exactly what I was doing." He paused and caught his breath. "Who are you to worry about his properties? Maybe you should ask him. He's inside."

"He is?" Dan didn't expect to hear that. Okay, he didn't know what to expect when somebody around his age steps out of Corey's room but he thought that maybe Jason broke in to steal something for his sister or girlfriend or...

"Yeah, he might be a bit exhausted, the old punk, but he is inside." Jason shrugged and passed Dan, still smirking. Yeah, Corey was pretty exhausted. After he came. Inside of him. Jason's smirk grew wider as he thought of it again. He felt high. Wanted. Loved? No. He knew why Corey had picked him. But Jason didn't care.

Dan wouldn't let him leave so easy. He wanted an answer. And he was desperate.

"Fucking tell me what you did!" He didn't want to raise his voice but Jason's behaviour slightly annoyed him.

Jason was confused. "Why do you care?"

"He's my uncle!" Dan yelled at him. Did this Jason whatever guy think he was just another crazy fan? The thought alone made him angry. He hated this. The whole thing. The band. The fans. Everything.

"Oh..." Jason looked at Dan and mentaly cursed himself. He coud have seen the similarities. And he had seen pictures of Dan. Dan Adams. Of course. Steve Adams son.
Then it hit him.

"Oh I see...and you don't know that..." He said it more quiet, more to himself than to Dan directly. "I'm sorry, I thought you were one of their fans..." His smile was completely gone.
Corey's family didn't know.

"No. I'm not. I'm the family loser." Dan sighed. The strange guy had hit a nerv. But he needed to know what was going on. "Will you please be kind enough to tell me what you were doing in his room?"

Jason wondered how this kid could say he was the family loser. Dan was looking gorgeous. He was sure all the girls were trying to get him.

"No." He couldn't tell him.

"Don't tell me you can't." Dan was confused.

"Of course I could. It wouldn't make much difference to me, but it would..." Jason cocked his head in the direction of Corey's room. "... for him."

If he told anybody, there certainly wouldn't be an 'i see you when we're around next time' like Corey had promissed when he left.

"What could you probably tell me that would change anything?" Dan couldn't get it. Jason had to give him another hint.

"Well... maybe....that I'm gay?" He paused again and now Dan was beginnig to understand...

"Who ho ho .. wait. Are you trying to tell me that you're... that you ... that you had sex with him? That you're... some kind of groupie?" He didn't even want to think about Corey being gay.

Dan's voice had a mix of disgust and disbelief. It made Jason shiver.
It made him come down from his high rapidly and now he just wanted to be alone. He didn't want to face this any longer. He was tired, he felt dirty and used.
"Can I go now?"

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 15:05:27 GMT

I guess not all of you are familiar with the pairing I will use for this one, but both bands will tour over here together so I just HAD to take them
give them a chance, they're hot ;)

well. pictures of Emanuel are hard to find, this one if kinda old (maybe about a year?)Bryan is the cute one on the left (:

and this is Mick from Eighteen Visions

(I just love this pic. eh. yeah)

anyway... onto the fic ;)

Writer: hxc_sucks aka me
Pairing: see the cut above!
Summary: can't really give one, maybe just a 'teaser'
I can't live like that.
That's why.
That's why.
That's why.
That's why I will have to do this.
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:
thanks to the kids over at boyskissing_fic for pointing out mistakes and telling me they love it.

It's Not A Side Effect Of The Cocaine. I Am Thinking It Must Be Love
READ IT!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!!

Sitting here, with her, makes me sick.

'Don't look at me as if it was all my fault.'

I don't know what she expects me to do.
I don't know why she found a letter with my name.
I don't know why she read it, she never cared about you.

I'm not sure if you want me to read it. But you wanted me to read it. No regrets. I need to know.

Dear Mick,

I don't want to start this with "by the time you read this...". I really don't want to. You know I'm not like that and I know it is not what you want me to do. Even though you will hate me after this.
I guess it doesn't really matter.

I'm sitting at this desk and I stare at my 6 'suicide notes' I wrote before. I was trying pretty hard to find the right words. This is not easy for me. I hope you know that. But then again, you probably don't know me as good as you thought you did, right?
No.
I'm not 'suicidal'. At least I think I'm not. I'm just 'foresighting'.
I don't know if you will ever read this. I think you will be surprised if I tell you that right now it's the night before my 14th birthday.
I give myself exactly 3 years to prevent what I am so afraid of.

But if You're holding this in your hands right now I guess I didn't succeed.
You read this letter and by the end you will not know me any more. You will not want to know me any more.

This might seem senseless to you. I know it is senseless. But not to me.
You know I've never been an 'ordinary' person.
You know I've never been a person that made 'sense'.
That's why I was your friend you told me.
You said I was 'in' and you were 'sane'.

Writing this seems surreal. Some might think I'm crazy. Maybe I should write I was crazy? Because you're supposed to read this in 3 years from now.
3 years. Not 2, not 4.
17. I will be 17 when you read this.

Killing myself on my 17th birthday is a strange thought. It's supposed to be a day to celebrate.
But I will never be able to celebreate again.
I hate everything.
I hate myself.
I hate myself so much you can't imagine. And I'm crying right now because I know you would hate me as much as I hate myself if you knew. But I can't live like that.
That's why.
That's why.
That's why.
That's why I will have to do this.

I've realized something. Something. Something I can't understand. Something I will never understand. Deep inside of me I know that. I will always ask myself why I have to be that way. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why.

I am not really shocked that I am. It's the reason why I found it out.
You.

Yes. You.

No. I don't blame you for anything. If it wasn't you it would have been somebody else. But it was you.
If it wasn't you I might not even be here TODAY because you saved my life last winter when I couldn't find our house because I just moved here.
You found me and brought me to your parent's house, let me sleep in your bed and held me warm. You didn't even know me!
That night I knew.
I just knew it.
I wanted to cry out loud and tell you to leave me alone and send me back into the cold so I could freeze to death.
But I also wanted to tell you to hold me tight and never leave me again.
I thought you were the most beautiful person I've ever seen.
I thought you were the most handsome guy I've ever met.
I still think so and I've learned a lot more.
You are so much better than anybody else in every way possible.
You are so intelligent, nice, smart, gorgeous, kind, sweet, cute, awesome... I could name all those words when I had to describe you.

But I am not supposed to feel that way. I know that.
My father always lets me know what he thinks about 'these persons'.
It's sick. It's not normal. There are countries where it's illigal when a man likes another man.

And then there is you.

You laught about this kid Alex or whatever his name was that kissed his best friend at a party.
I wanted to kiss my best friend at that party.

I know I could never live with your rejection.
I know.

We became best friends so fast it's not even normal.
The night we met you told me I'd need a friend and you'd love to be buddies.
I knew that this was all I could ever have so I was thankful. So thankful. So very thankful.

I like being your friend. I like being close to you. I like your voice.
I like your voice whispering in my ear when we're at the movies and everything's quiet.
I like your voice yelling in my ear when we're at a local show and everything's loud.
But it will never be enough.

8 months have passed since that night you saved my life and I am thinking about you all the time. Not because you were my knight in shining armor.
But because you were you.

You told me how you love the way I wear my hair.
In all those different directions.
You said the dark brown fits my eyes.
I will wear my hair like this every day now.
Three years.

You probably know by now.
I think I like you.
I think I like you.
I think I like you very much.

But not enough. Not enough.
It's not enough.
I am so selfish.
I only care about myself and that I want to 'be' with you.
But I know thoughts like that would make you sick.

I plan on telling you. I really do. Because I don't want to die. You have to believe me.
But I don't want you to hate me. I don't want you to hate your best friend.
I want to tell myself that I don't feel the way I feel for you.
I can't even write it out because I am too afraid you will hate me more if you read it word by word what this letter is telling you.

But now you hold this letter in your hand and nothing will ever be the same again.
I am dead and I never told you, otherwise you wouldn't have it.
You wouldn't have it.
You wouldn't have it.

Forgive me.

yours, always
Bryan

"Stupid kid" I mumble, aware of the tears that are streaming down my face. Burning.

"What did you say?" She asks.

'I hate you, why can't you just disappear.'

"Nothing."

She puts her arm around my shoulder and sighs.

"Mick, do you want to talk about it?"

She tries to take the piece of paper I'm holding in my hand but I just give her a death-look.

'How dare you? You're not taking this from me.'

"No, I'm okay. Can I see him now?"

"You'll forgive him, won't you?" Is she worried? Worried I could make a scene?

"Forgive him?" My voice is low. I don't want to deal with her.

"You don't hate him now, do you?" She looks at me and for the first time in 3 years and 8 month that I've known her I can see it in her eyes.

She always loved you.
That's why she called my mother, yelling at her she should adopt you when you slept at my house 4 days in a row. That was some time last year.
She ment it. She knew you would have it better with us. She knew it.
She always loved you.
That's why she called me after she found you a few hours ago. She knew that's what you wanted even before she found the letter. She knew it.

I don't answer her question. I can't. I feel so guilty.

I sigh and stand up, walking through the door and closing it behind me.

"Your plan didn't work." I talk to you in a shaky voice. I can't do anything about it. I don't know how to deal with you.

You are not looking at me. You have closed your eyes.

You can't shut this out, you could have thought about a way out if you're not succeeding. I know you didn't think she'd find you and CARE about you.But please don't shut me out.

Your face is so full of pain. Pain that I caused.

"Bryan..." Please open your eyes.

You press your eyes closer than possible, letting out a low whimper.

"Please...." You pause and I see your chest heavily moving up and down. "Please leave me alone."

It hurts so much to see you like that.

I sit down on the edge of your bed and grab your hand, carefully, not touching the bandages.

I hope my voice is as calm as I am trying to make it sound. "Open your eyes."

It doesn't matter. You're opening your eyes and look down at my hand, my thumb stroking your's.

"Why are you here?" Your voice is killing me. Are you afraid of me?

I remember that first night that I saw you, wearing summer clothes in a mid-winter night.
I remember knowing I had to save you.

"I don't hate you." I could never hate you.

You finally look at me. "I think I like you" I say.

"I think I like you" I say when I grab your arm above the wrist to pull you closer to me and wipe away your tears.

"I think I like you very much" I say when I kiss you.

That night we met you were lying in my bed.
That night I held you close.
That night I knew.

stay with me (pt.5)

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 12:36:10 GMT

Writer: hxc_sucks aka me
Rating: not american so i have no idea.
Part: 5 of ?
Pairing: sonny/nate and a bit jesse/dan (from first to last/finch, brand new/senses fail)
Summary: high school stuff.
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:
*still my first try with 'real' persons so don't be too harsh
*i don't know much about the american school system, if somethings waaaaay stupid just ignore it please
*i'm not english so don't yell at me when i use wrong grammar or words
*it's not beta-ed yet because I had to post it before it dies
*dedicaded to worst_december_ because she asked for it and that 'forced' me to keep on writing. it's quite short but I wanted to get this chapter finished so I can move on ;D

"Frank, now look at me!" Nate's kneeling in front of Frank, who's sitting against the wall, arms wrappt around his knees and his head burried down.

I am still standing at the same spot I was standing when Jamila left a couple of minutes ago. Nate ran over to Frank immediatly and is trying to ease him down since. I still don't know what to think about the whole thing.

"Nate.. I.." Frank raises his head and stars at Nate with his reddish watered eyes. I wonder if he can still see anything, they look so swollen. "I...I'm sorry.." he sobbs and Nate leans closer, allowing him to pull his face into Nate's shirt.

"Sorry about what?" Nate strokes his back gently and I step closer to them, Nate giving me a worried look.

"For everything.." Frank speaks sobbing lightly. "For...whatshesaid, for....I don't even know.. I.. I.. I've messed everything up..."

Nate stands up, just grabs Franks hand and raises him to his feet. "Stop talking bullshit, Frank." He cocks his head in my direction to asure me to follow and the three of us go back inside the club.

"That's Sonny by the way." Nate tells Frank when we sit down at the couch once again, Nate in the middle. Linda and Dan who are still sitting at the bar are giving us a suspicious look but both just shake their heads smiling and turn back to their own conversation. I wonder if Jesse and Tom are still talking to each other or if Jesse's killed Tom...or...

I look at Frank who had turned his head to face me, held out my hand and smirk. "Nice to meet you, Frank. Already heard some interesting stories about you."

His face gets reddish and he stars at Nate. "Oh wonderful. You told him! Who actually doesn't know?"

Nate just let's out a cough and smiles at him. "Frankiboy, he's the only one I told. And it's not a big thing anyway..." He rolls his eyes and laughs at me. "Maybe he thinks you're going to kill him.."

"Maybe...." I shrug and look at Frank who stares back at me with an unpredictable glanze.

He sighs and turnes away, laying on his side.

"Fraaahank" Nate sounds very annoyed.

"Leave me alone." Frank tries to sound calm but I can clearly hear his sobbing breathing.

Nate just shrucks. "No I won't and you know that. Now face me and spit it out. What the fuck has happened?"

Frank turned back to face Nate. "You know to damn well what has happened. You've been there. Remember? It was only 10 minutes ago!"

"I mean before we appeared...." Nate still sounded annoyed.

"Before you appeared??" Frank's voice was getting louder. "Fuck you, Nate. You know exactly why my whole relationship is falling into pieces...You know to damn well what kind of sick fuck I really am and how right Jamia is with everything. You're this mind-reading kind, don't tell me you don't know what it was all about!"

"Frank calm down!" Nate said it loud enough to make sure Frank understood. "You're over-reacting. She loves you, she will come back."

"Maybe I don't want her to come back..." Frank eventually says and stands up. Nate grabbs his hand before he can leave.

"You've been with this girl almost a year now, you where talking about getting married and now you tell me you don't want her to come back?"

Frank sits back and sighs. "I've fucked up completely.... and I'm not exactly sure if you would be the right person to talk about it with..."

"Fine." Nate stands up, giving him this 'I know it anyway' look. "I'll go backstage and check what's going on with Jesse and Tom... Sonny?" And I was just starting to wonder if they even remembered I was still here...

"Yeah?"

"Could you take care about this fucked up kid? .." I shrug and I look at Frank who's curled up in this couch, his back turned in my direction.

"I guess"

"Good, I'll check what's up with Jesse and Tom, if I need to call an ambulance or whatever." He leans over and gives me a small peck before he leaves in the direction of the 'backstage area'.

Now I'm sitting here, with Frank, and it's a pretty weird company. I mean, I thought this guy was weird before and what was I supposed to think now?

"Sonny," He turns to face me after some time with both of us saying nothing has passed and then mumbles "I can't tell you..."

"Let me guess... you still like him, right?" I look at him and he nods. He seems like he just realized something. "It's quite obvious.. you've been staring at us the whole night... Don't worry, I'm not mad at you at all. I can totally understand you" I let out a slight laugh and put my hand on his shoulder but he doesn't react the way I thought he would.

"That's not the whole problem.." He sighs, pushing my hand back.

"Your girl?"

"Yeah..."

"She will come back"

"I don't know... she had a reason to react the way she did." He sits on his legs and stars in the now empty hall. "I don#t know if I still love her..and... when we kissed... well, she noticed that I was really... turned on, but unfortunally.. she saw that she wasn't the reason for... something growning in my pants..." While telling me the last part he is facing me again and I swallow.

"Whoa, wait... are you telling me your girlfriend freaked out because you got a boner seeing Nate and me together?"

"Well...You're both pretty hot.." he says quietly, turning a bright pink.

"Eh.. thanks. I guess. " I rub my head and I have to admit I'm slightly confused.

"Don't say it... I know I'm fucked up.."

"Na.. you're not. I mean... Hey, I should take it as a complement.. And, yeah, Nate's definatly hot.."

"You're not mad or something?"

"Why should I?"

"I don't know..."

"I'm cool with it, really. Actually... when I saw you staring at us it was kind of turning me on.." I can't belive I'm telling him this. But it's true. And I have to admit the thought of him liking what he saw is making me think about different situations. Crazy. About a week ago I wasn't even thinking about liking guys and now? Really Crazy.

Frank swallows and just stares at me. Yes, I definitely shouldn't have told him, but he was honest so I thought I had to be.

"Forget about that.... wanna come to the others with me?"

"No..I need some time on my own, think about several things, you know..."

"Yeah, sure. It was nice to meet you, after all." I smile. He is not as bad as I thought he was. As far as I can say I think he's actually pretty nice.

"I can definatly give that back to you.... anyway, before I forget. I have no clue if word is spread already, but my band has a show next week's Saturday. It would be nice to see you there, Nate knows where and when."

"Okay, we'll be there"

"Cool." He smiles and waves Linda and Dan good bye when I head in their direction.

"Hey Sonny, what's up with him?" Linda askes, waving in the direction where Frank disappeared.

"I don't know exactly, he has some trouble with his girl who went nuts because of Nate and me."

"Jamila's always been a bitch, I really don't know why he fell for her in the first place." Dan grabs mine and Linda's arm to lead us back backstage. I guess he doesn't like the thought of his boy talking to the guy that made him feel miserable for quite some time. Well, my boy is in there as-well so I don't mind. "The only reason Jamila is interested in Frank is because she knows My Chemical Romance will be getting really big. She is acting the way she does now because it would be bad publicity if Frank admitted he's bisexual of whatever."

"Yeah, I really hope he realizes what kind of girl she really is." Linda shrugs while we enter the backstage room. "He probably has, though but he's too nice to even tell her to fuck off and die or something..."

I give Nate a short peck and sit down in his lap since the backstage is more than full. Three bands and friends is too much for the tiny room.

He smiles at me. "Let me guess. You where talking about Frank and Jamila?"

"Not too hard to guess, Nate." Linda laughs slightly. It's not funny and we all know it. I feel really sorry for Frank and I already hate Jamila.

"How's it been? What did he say?"

"I think I'll better tell you when we're alone..."

"Oh.. the love birds want to be alone?" one guy from Nate's band says.(fuck I need to pay attention, these are my boyfriends friends, I need to remember their names at least)

Nate just laughs. "Shut up"

I scan the room and see Dan sitting next to Jesse who is talking to Dan. I can't hear what they are saying but since Jesse looks pretty relaxed (and talking without taking any breath) and Tom holding Matt's hand I guess Jesse already forgave him or something like that.

I tild my head back and whisper in Sonny's ear. "Seems like we had no reason to worry,right?"

"Yeah, they'll be fine. I'm so glad it turned out like this." He kisses me, nibbles on my lower lip. "I'm so glad everything turned out like this."

I know he's talking about how his band mates reacted. I'm so glad for him to have such nice guys as friends. I've never really known what it's like to have real friends but all these kids in here right now are just awesome.

"Hey, is that the famous Sonny?" another guy had entered the room, I think it's the one who sang in this blahblahblahblah band.

"Eh... what?" I give him a confused glance. Famous? Me? Help!

"Seems like you are". He smirks and walkes towards us.

"Nate?" I give the boy another skeptic glance and look at Nate who just shrugs.

"Well...."

"I've bombarded Nate with questions, you have to forgive me, I'm always pretty nosy...." the guy helds out his hand. "I'm Trevor by the way, temporary singer/shouter/guitar/bass/drums/whatever of from first to last"

With that the rest of his band mates start laughing and Matt just smirks. "You wish."

I take Travors hand and shake it. "Sonny, yeah."

We sit there for a while, talking about several topics, like how the From First To Last guys need to find a singer (Travor really isn't that bad but whatever) or how all of them really like My Chemical Romance and hope these guys will make it big since they really deserve it. I wonder if they really are as good as it seems.
Dan basically just tries to get Jesse's attention without much success because he's constantly talking with anybody. Eventually Dan has enough of this and just grabs and turns him and pushes his tongue in his boyfriends mouth. That's when all of us start laughing because they fall off the couch they were sitting on and just keep on making out. They totally forgot where they are in a matter of seconds. (how could anybody think these guys wouldn't make it?)
Nate has wrapped his arms around my waist and is lowering his head in my neck, slightly rocking back and forth. It's only a simple innocent gesture but it's really turning me on and I know that's exactly why he does it.

"Sonny," He whipers. "You wanted to tell me something."

Oh right. I completely forgot about that.

I stand up, grab Nate's hand and lead him to the door. "We have to talk about a few things, will be back in a minute." Or maybe not.

"So... what did Frank say?" Nate lets out when we are back in the corridor between the backstage room and the toilets.

"Well... not much.. just the reason why Jamia was going crazy. He had a hard-on"

"That's the fucking stupides reason I've heard in a long time"

"He got all horny because of seening us, Nate.."

He leans against the wall. "Wow, that's weird. What did you say?"

"I said I was cool with it. I mean, I can understand why he thinks that my boyfriend's hot.." I grab his wrists and place my lips on his, letting out a low sound.

Nate gives into the kiss softly and when he tilts his head back he smiles at me from ear to ear. "Mine is hotter"

"Yeah, I'd definatly have sex with myself." I start laughing but it seems like I've created a differents reaction from him with that said.

"Hey Sonny...when do you have to go home?"

"I told my parents I'd be coming home tomorrow..." I smirk. I have been avoiding to think about it the whole day, since I wasn't too sure about it. We've only met 5 days ago and before that I never even thoughty about doing anything with another guy. On the other hand... we had some fun in this toilet cubicle on monday and I love this guy. Even if this won't last forver (it will!) I want to have sex with him. Tonight.

"You mean you..."

I don't let him finish his sentense and press my lips on his, forcing my tongue deep inside just to slip it out immideatly.

Yeah.. I feel high, I don't know what to do so I just start singing in his face.

"To fall asleep with you would be heaven, show me all lifes splendors"

It was probably a bit too loud. I hear somebody clapping his hands.

"Very nice." It's Travis, smirking at us.. "Next time you should get a room, though."

"Eh... " I blush. "Yeah we just wanted to tell you guys that we're leaving. Could you tell the others?"

"Sure thing. have some fun." He tells us when he walkes back to the others.

"Betcha" Nate yells at him.

"Oh yeah.. before I forget..." Travis says turning back at us. "We have rehearsals for a new singer this sunday, Sonny. I'll beat the shit out of you if you're not appearing..."

"Seriously?" He wants me to sing for his band? Me? holy shit.

"Yeah."

"Ok, I'll be there" Can this night turn any better? Oh. Yeah. It can. Hehe. Great. I'm giggeling. Transformation complete. Sonny = 100% gay. I'm so lame.

When Travor has left Nate presses me to his chest.

"Sonny?" He sounds more serious now.

"Yeah?"

"Did you really tell your parents you're not coming home tonight?" he is smiling, but I can tell he doesn't really know if he should be smiling.

"I said I'm sleeping at a friend's house. They probably think I made that up to spend the night with Linda..." I smirk and kiss him again, deep and forcefully. I know he can clearly tell what I'm trying to say and show him.

"Shit" he moans. "So... you really want to.. like you know... have sex.. with me?"

He blushed and it's so fucking cute! How can he even ask something like that? Did he ever look in the mirror? Did nobody ever tell him he's simply the most awesome guy on this god damn planet?

I give him yet another peck and just nod, my fingers trealing along his chest, my eyes glued on his.

He takes in a deep breath and speaks again. "Are we going to my house then? My father won't be coming home before the morning, he's got nightshift...."

I simply smile at him and grabb his arm to lead him out of the club.

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 14:37:15 GMT

Title: A Scenario Of You And Me
Rating: I have absolutely no Idea.
Part: 1
People involved:
- David / OMC
- Ryan / OMC
POW: David's
Summary: high school stuff... (I suck at summaries)
Notes:
*The idea behind the whole thing is that it will be 'song inspired'.. each chapter another song. Not like a song-fic or anything... just read and you will see what I mean. [the song is in the chapter. I'd say you should listen to it to get the 'mood' of the chapter]

the song for this chapter:
refused - summer holidays vs punk routine
lyrics

6:30. Monday. Monday morning. A normal Monday morning. The only difference between the last couple of Monday mornings: it’s 6:30. My alarm clock is ringing. The last couple of Monday mornings my alarm clock didn’t ring at 6:30. It didn’t ring at all.

I press the button to stop this terrible noise. 6:30. Horror. My hand finds it’s way to my watch on the bedside table and I blink when I try to find out what time it really is. Half past 6. I press my head face down into the pillow and a low groan escapes through.

Leaning on my elbows to lift my body up I try to get out of the bed but fail miserably. I get entangled in the bedspread and fall face front on the carped. (thanks god in who I don’t believe that I was insisting on having carped in my room…) that hurts, I can tell you. Trying to stand up I glance at the red digital numbers of my alarm clock. 6:31.

Freeing myself from the bedspread that is twined around my legs I stand up and walk over to my stereo. I yawn while pressing the ‘skip forward’ button to track 4. I thought of skipping to track 6 to blow something right in my face that will wake me up in a matter of seconds (if you just ignore the fact that the intro of the song is endless) but I won’t now. Track 6 is the ‘’cult song’, the song everybody knows. The song everybody loves. But I love track 4.

My finger hovers over the ‘play’ button and I smirk. This damn CD is 6 years old. The band split before I knew they existed. I got into them because I saw the singer’s new band at the Warped Tour and immediately got addicted. I didn’t know much about anything at that time. When I heard the word ‘hardcore’ I wasn’t thinking about music. But after seeing the band live and doing some research on the internet… well.. I found this band. I found a whole new scene, a whole new world. I was just made for it.

I glance at the alarm clock again. 6:34. I’ve lost another 3 minutes. I’ve lost hearing the song once. Sighing I press the ‘play’ button and right after that ‘repeat’. I’m not going to listen to anything else today.

“I'm tired of losing myself to some stupid childhood dream of what I could have been
Money proves the point and I'm stuck between summer holidays & punk routine....“

You see why I am so hooked on this song? It truly is exactly what I feel like. I mean… I’m only 16 now but I already feel like I am not going to be what I could have been. I could have been one of the popular kids, I could have been cool, I could have more than two friends…
But I decided otherwise. I decided to be the weird outcast.

And this thing about punk routine? For me.. that means waking up at 6:30 by an alarm clock sound. Falling off the bed and listening to refused. (yes, that’s that band, in case you are retarded and didn’t know that by now!)

Summer holidays are over and my final high school year starts today. No more festivals, no more hanging out with Matt and Chris until the middle of the night, or not coming home at all. I could still do that, though. My parents don’t care about those things. They don’t care about me at all.

The song is over and starts again. 6:37. I should get ready.

Yawning again I find my way to the bathroom, look in the mirror and sigh. Would anybody ever think I am attractive? Would anybody ever tell me that I’m beautiful?
I hate myself thinking like that. I hate myself being so emo. But it reflects what I am like.
I’m just really lonely.

I don’t care about being a 16 years old boy and still a virgin. I don’t need to fool around and get experienced. All I want is to feel something. Am I truly the only one who wants to find someone special?

I open the cupboard and take out what I need: toothbrush and paste, comb, eyeliner and mascara… (I started using these things during the summer. I never really thought about it before but after seeing some guys at shows wearing make up and looking really good I though I could try that as-well. And now I can’t go out of the house without it…)

I always do the same mistake. I should get dressed before I put on the make-up.

Back in my room I put the clothes from the chair I put them last night and stumble when I try to get into my jeans. I’m still not fully awake. 6:58. I put on a nice tight black t-shirt that says “I shot JFK” in pink letters and grin when I knot the shoelaces of my pretty out-worn red Chuck Taylor’s. I wonder if my old class mates will even recognize me. Three month ago I was the average outcast. Looking too normal to be noticed. Now I’m running around in tight jeans (they’re actually girls jeans but who cares if it’s looking good?), stupid t-shirts, shoes that were ‘in’ when my parents were still in high school and jet black hair. All of this will probably lead me into trouble but at least I will get some attention. I’m tired of being invisible. I'm not giving in any more.

Once again the alarm clock. 7:05. I have one of those 'you can have two separate alarm times'. The second alarm is the signal for me to get ready, grab my stuff and head downstairs to join my family having breakfast. Today I won’t. I never do, though. punk routine.

I press the ‘snooze’ button to make the alarm go on again in 10 minutes and fall backwards on my bed, closing my eyes and sighing. Everyday life has got me once again….
I listen to the music coming from my speakers and before I notice anything the alarm goes once again. 7:15. It’s time.

I go to the stereo, wait for the last words to echo down and press the ‘stop’ button. My bag is swung around my shoulder and I open my door, run back to my nightstand to grab my watch and put it on while leaving my room, making my way downstairs and in the direction of the front door.

“I’m off to school, bye.” I stand in the door frame for a couple of seconds but get no reply. They never reply. Once I shouted I’d be off the school to kill them all. My parents didn’t say anything.

7:23. I’m in front of Matt’s house. He opens the door at 7:24. It’s always like that. It’s part of our punk routine. He shuts the door behind him and we make our way to Chris’ house. He lives a bit closer to the school and we arrive at 7:41. Matt knocks twice and the door opens.

“Good morning, Mrs. Peters.” She told us to call her ‘Dora’ a billion times.

“I told you to call me Dora a billion times.” punk routine. “Chris is ready in a minute, I’ll tell him you’re here…”

Matt and I stand in the floor and I stare at my watch counting the seconds. …..57…58…59…

“Hey guys” punk routine. Exactly one minute.
Chris gives us his brightest every-day-smile like this is all routine. (because it is)

“Daily terror, here we come.” Matt say when we leave the house. He smiles and I just nod. Another part of our punk routine is this ‘not talking until we’re at Chris’ house’-deal. Nobody knows why and we never talk about it. Chris might not even know about it.

7:55. We enter the school building. Sometimes I wonder if our school is the only High School in the whole country that starts classes at 8. We try to avoid as many students as possible while we are making our way to our lockers and to our different home class rooms. None of us is a very social kind of person. I’m always wondering how Chris and Matt got girlfriends. And to be honest… I envy them. Not because of their girls but because of knowing how it feels like to like somebody in more than a friends way.

I enter my home class room exactly with the bell ring. punk routine.
Being one of the first students in the class I just pick a seat in the back, wall side. Everybody always wants window side. I don’t go with majority.

The class fills and at 8:06 the teacher enters. The name he writes on the table lets me assume that his name is Mr. Terb.

He starts the normal home class stuff, tells us which teachers are already ill and that we should write down everything. Business as usual. punk routine.

After lifting my hand and getting some ‘nice’ comments when my name is called out when Mr. Terb checks the attendance-list I sigh and put a note book out, starting to doodle and write down a few lines. Most of them just words put together. I love to write things that make sense when you see the whole and not just one or two sentences. 8:12.

I’m brought back to reality by the door flying open and a blond haired students rushing into the class, almost stumbling over his own feet. (I see lime green chucks!)

Mr. Terb turns his head, looks at the persons who just interrupted him.

“Is this 11B? I was stuck in 11A until the attendance was checked and Mrs. Winkler send me in this class.” The blond (with almost white highlights) has a very catchy voice. Indescribable.

“This is 11B. What is your name?” Mr. Terb sounds annoyed.

I listen. “Ryan Sketcher.” Ryan Sketcher is his name.

“Yes you are in this home class.” Mr. Terb is checking his list. “Take a seat, I will give the class the schedules now.”

Oh yeah. Schedules. I’m excited. (Oh yeah. I like sarcasm.) 8:22.

Blond-with-white-highlights, Ryan, looks through the classroom in search of an empty seat, bits on his lower lip and cocks an eyebrow when he sees me. His lips now form a light smile and he comes to the back of the class, stops in front of the empty seat next to mine.

“Is anybody sitting there already?” he sounds excited, looks at me and starts grinning.

I don’t know what to think about that. I’m taken by surprise and shake my head. Damn. I’m sure he asked because he wants to actually sit there! Next. to. me. I don’t like having anybody sitting next to me. (Except Matt or Chris of course, they’re my friends.)

“As if anybody would voluntarily sit next to this freak…” this sharp comment was by Daniel who is sitting in front of me. Stupid asshole. He turns around and looks at Ryan, then snorts. “Maybe another freak would….”

“Okay, so I guess I can sit here?” Ryan is still smiling at me, ignoring Daniel.

I nod, almost staring at him. His blue eyes covered in dark eyeliner and mascara have some magic attraction to me…. Combined with his almost white hair… I could think he had wings and was secretly an angel or something.
Me and my stupid imagination. But I do think he is really beautiful in an odd way.
Wait… does he even wear eye shadow?? And is it pink??
It fits him, though.

“I’m Ryan, as you might have heard, who are you?” This voice…

I am lost. “I’m….. I’m David.”

“Nice to meet you, David. Do you think you could show me around later on? I’m new and orientation is one of my weak points.”

“Sure.” 8:24. “I’ll catch up my friends when this is over to check if we have any lessons together and after that I could show you around.”

“Cool.” He takes out his stuff and writes down a few things Mr. Terb is telling us. My eyes catch something else. It’s pretty small but I swear it’s there. He’s got a tiny tattoo on his right wrist.

When Mr. Terb has handed us our schedule we check if we have any more classes together.

“Awesome! You have creative writing, rock history and art as-well? I knew you were a guy I’d come along with.” He is letting that out after analyzing my schedule two minutes. It’s 8:29 now.

I smile at him, thinking the same now. I get a good ‘vibe’ from him. That doesn’t happen a lot. I’d only stared at my watch 6 times since he sat down next to me. That’s a new record.

“Yeah. I just hope my friends will be in at least one or two of these courses as-well, last year we didn’t even have lunch together…” I start babbling as soon as I feel comfortable. I hate it.

“I know what you mean, me and my boyf…. I mean ex-boyfriend had one lesson together and that was it. Sucked a lot at that time.” Did he say boyfriend???

“Did you say boyfriend???” Daniel must have sharp ears. He’s turned to us again and is staring at Ryan.

“Eh… ex-boyfriend, yeah.” Ryan answers, his voice clearly showing that he is slightly annoyed. “Mind your own business and stop listening to other people’s conversations.”

I glance at him and at Daniel. This is going to be bad. 8:41.

“Better watch your mouth, fag, or..”

“Or what? Or you and your friends will beat the shit out of me? Try that and you will see what you will take out of it…” Ryan smirks at him, leans back into his chair and folds his hands over his head. “Maybe I should inform you that I am taught Judo since I was 6 years old. If I was you I’d think about who I tread how. You wouldn’t be the first jock beaten up by a.. how did you call me again? Right, a fag.”

I totally didn’t expect that. I have to say I’m impressed. Daniel obviously is as-well. 8:44.

“I just warn you to stay away from me…” he says with a low voice. If I wouldn’t know him any better I said he realized he shouldn’t mess with Ryan.

“You warn me? Yeah, ride on.” Ryan rolls his eyes. “Don’t worry, sweetie. Home-Coming-King kind of guys are not my type. I have taste.”

Daniel mumbles something and turns his back to us. Ryan smiles at me.
The bell rings. 8:45. normal school day starts. And Ryan is smiling at me with his alluring eyes. There goes my punk routine. I wonder…. What kind of guys are his type?

Title: In 1000 years I will still love you (pt. 2)

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 07:12:17 GMT

Writer: hxc_sucks aka me
Rating: I guess it's harmless
Part: 2 of ?
Pairing: Conor / Jeremiah
Summary:
year 16:02: Conor meets Jeremiah. ding.
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:
Notes: inspired by Highlander, yeah.

He was more than surprised when I grabbed his hand before it went down in my jacket. He tried to free himself from my grip, his eyes full of fear when I stared at him.

“Please, Sir, let me go…” he whimpered.

I found it amusing. I had the body of a sixteen year old and he must have been at least eighteen but he was afraid of me. He was afraid of what he thought I was. Rich. Somebody important.

He was right about the first part, though. Will had taught me to lead a healthy life, helped me out at the beginning.

I learned fast. I had a nice property and even a few servants. I had to change them every few years because they would notice I'm not growing but it didn't matter. Servants always reminded me of Peter and I didn't want them close to me.

Now I was holding the hand of a young man who was trying to rob me after Sunday's mass. He probably thought I was an easy victim. I normally was. I'm small, I don't pay attention to what's happening during mass. I am just here to be here. I lost my faith a long time ago. Now I just gave money to the needy after mass.

I caught him before he could put his hands in my pocket. I caught him because I felt him. But he couldn't know, he didn't understand. And now he stared at me, his eyes begging me to let him go. He knew what would happen if I called the attendants.

I didn't let him go. Never ever in my life I would let him go.

I put my index finger on my mouth - a gesture for him to keep quiet. He still stared at me, unaware of what was going to happen, but he nodded eventually and I gave him a warm smile.

Still holding his hand I led him out of the church. Some people gave us suspicious looks and he seemed very nervous but I didn't care.

Outside we went to the other side of the street and stopped in front of a coach. I let go of his hand and gestured to him to open the door.

"Go in," I told him when he didn't seem to understand. "Or do you want me to call out for help?"

He shook his head furiously and got into the coach. I followed inside and knocked on the front side twice, a signal for the coachman to take me home.

"What are you going to do with me now?" He askes after a while, not looking at me.

"Nothing." I say almost shocked. It didn't occur to me that he might think I wanted to do something with him. "What do you think I could do to you?" I tried to sound innocent, younger. He wasn’t yet fully grown and I was younger than he was.

"I don't know..." He pauses. "Why didn't you let them arrest me? Why didn't you... let me go?"

"Do you want to go?" I wouldn't let him go. Never.

"No..." He looked at me now.

He was very beautiful; he looked so sad, so weak, but yet so strong.

"What is your name?"

"Jeremiah."

"A beautiful name." He blushed. "I'm Conor.." I held out my hand and he stared at it for a second before he slightly shaked it.

The rest of the way we sat in silence and I just watched him while he watched the countryside pass by.

When we arrived at my house I got out of the coach and held my hand towards him to help him out.

"Come, Jeremiah. I'll show you everything." For me, it was already decided that he would stay.

I've learned not to believe in those kind of things, but I knew it was destiny that we met. I could feel it. It wasn't just his presense. It was something else. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Each time he looked at me when we where walking through my grounds I smiled at him. Eventually he became more comfortable and after a while he smiled back at me. It had a huge impact on me. For the first time in so many years I had this strange feeling in my stomach again.

"Where is everybody else?" he asked me when we entered the dining room. I told him he should sit down, one of the servants would bring us our meals and I'd show him the chambers after we ate.

"There is nobody else." I told him. "Only us and the servants."

He looked at me in disbelief. "Where is your family?"

"My family is dead." I simply told him.

"I'm sorry.."

"It's nothing to be sorry about. It's been a while and I hadn't seen them since I was seventeen..." I stopped and looked at him and I knew I had said too much.

“Excuse me, Sir, but you can’t be much older now…” He let out surprised.

I sighed. “No, I can’t. But I am….” I paused. Should I tell him? Would he stay? Would he leave? Would he remember me when he goes through what I’ve been going through? Was it too early? Would it ever be the right time?

“Jeremiah, I will explain it to you, if you promise me you’re not going to leave me…” I looked at him and now I was the one who was afraid. He was obviously puzzled. “I won’t stop you if you want to leave. I just hope you will stay…”

“I don’t have anywhere to go… as long as you’re not telling me you’ve murdered your family and that you’re 200 years old… I will stay.” He was trying to smile at me. I swallowed.

“My family died of natural circumstances. At least that’s what I think, I don’t care much…and… I’m not 200 years old…” I lowered my head and started staring a hole in the table. Then I whispered “I’m 82.”

He let out a low gasp but didn’t say anything. I looked up again and his face was getting paler. I thought my voice must have been sounding honest enough to make him believe me. I just didn’t know if I wanted him to believe.

“If you’re willing to listen, I will tell you my story…” I eventually said. When my words had settled down on him he finally nodded.

We hadn’t finished our meal but I stood up. I held out my hand and to my surprise he took it. I shivered at his touch but tried to hide it - I didn’t want him to notice.
I lead him to the upper floor where the chambers were located, showed him mine and the other rooms, then told him to choose one. He wanted to have the chamber opposite mine, told me he wouldn’t be afraid of this huge building if he knew I was close to him. I smiled when we both sat down on the bed and I asked him if he was afraid of me.

“No,” He shook his head. “I don’t know who you are or what you are, but the only thing I was ever afraid of are vampires.” He smiled at me and I didn't know if he was joking or not.

“Why are you so sure I’m not one of those?” I was surprised. And his smile was ravishing.

“Your hands are sweating.” I noticed that he was still grabbing my hand and took it away, maybe a bit too fast. “And now you’re blushing. So you must have some blood inside of you.”

He smirked and then I started feeling dizzy, because he placed one of his hands on my shoulder and pushed me onto the bed. I could feel his warm breath quicken as he laid down on top of me and I was sure he could sense mine doing the same as our chests pressed against each other. He stared into my eyes, his gaze piercing me.

"I don't know who you are, but…" He spoke. "…I knew I loved you before I met you."

And then I felt his lips on mine.

Title: In 1000 years I will still love you

Sun, 12 Dec 2004 20:40:31 GMT

Writer: hxc_sucks aka me
Rating: NC-17 I guess but I'm not american ...
Part: 1 of ?
Overall pairing: Conor / Jeremiah
Overall summary: inspired by "Highlander" (oh well. lol)
Pairing for this chapter: Conor / somebody made up in my mind :P
Summary for this chapter:
year 15:36: Conor is the 17year old second son of an earl. His elder brother dies and his father kills him because he would stain the family's name. (no, Conor is not really dead, don't you know Highlander??)
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:

I've never been the person anybody cared about. I was like a shadow. I was there but nobody noticed me. I could do what I wanted and just lived.
My father was an earl and his property enfolded some land and a few people he was responsible for. I was the second son so my elder brother was going to inherit almost everything and I was ok with that. I didn't care about the money and responsibility was something I was very afraid of.
One day was going to change my life completely.

My brother was sick for more than a week and on a sunday afternoon.... he perished.
I was shocked. My brother... he was... he just died. He stopped existing...
I didn't even care about him being dead. I was never close to any member of my family. The only one I cared about was Peter, the son of my father's servant. He was one year older than me and we grew up together. He was always with me.
Now, everything would change.
Suddenly I was the eldest son.

In the evening my father cam into my chamber to tell me what I was so afraid of.
I was going to inherit everything. I had all those responsibilities now. I... had to.. I had to get married. I didn't even know my brother was engaged. My father told me it was all arranged even before my brother was born. The daughter of another earl was going to marry his eldest son. I was the eldest son now. I tried to tell him that I couldn't do this but he wouldn't listen. He was completely emotionless. He only told me everything and then he was about to leave. Before he closed the door behind him he turned to face me once more and I swear I heard him whisper 'don't be a shame for your famile's name'.
I pushed the blankets over me and curled up into a ball. I needed to cry but I couldn't. I just felt numb. I saw my whole life how I imagined it to be smashed to the ground. This would kill me.

I laid there for a while when I heard a knock on the door.

"Conor?" It was the familiar voice. I sighed.

He came in my chamber without waiting for a reply. The door was always open because he came here every night to just sit on my bed and talk to me until I fell asleep. I never knew why he did that and I never asked. I was afraid he would stop it. I felt so secure when he was close to me. Even though he was only a year older than me I always thought he could protect me.

"Conor, are you ok? how do you feel?" He sounded so concerned.

I shook my head. "I can't...." I sobbed.

"Listen. I know it's hard to lose a family member.." He started but I interrupted him.

"It's not because of that!" I cried out and sobbed. He sat closer to me and I leaned my head against his shoulders.

"Tell me what it's about."

"I..I can't do this, Peter..."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm the eldest now. I will have to replace my father one day.... I can't... I have to... marry this girl..." I barely whispered the last part.

"Conor, I know you can. We all have our destiny. Mine is to do the same my father does and his father did before. I'll be someone's servant, probably yours. Your destiny will be to marry her and be responsible for your people."

"I can't" I burried my head into his chest. "I can't marry her, Peter."

"Ssh. You can, Conor, you can..." He said quietly.

"I don't even know her. I don't love her. I want to love somebody. I don't want to live like my parents...."

"Maybe you can love her.." His voice sounded so sad.

I sobbed more and he tried to calm me down by stroking my side.

"Peter, I know I can never love her." I put his arm from me and turned away from him, taking a deep breath. "I..I...I love you."

He didn't say anything. he didn't react in any way at all. I felt my whole world falling apart, my heart smashed into pieces. I never realized I loved him until I said it and I was confused. He just sit there, looking at me.

My heart started beating faster when he put his hands on my shoulders. I closed my eyes and whispered "please don't hate me now", tears running down my cheek.

He whiped them away. "I could never hate you, Conor."

I could feel his breath in my face. He was so close. Only a blink of a second after he said it I felt his hands around my neck and his lips on mine. I held my breath. I couldn't believe this was happening. I wanted him so much. I wanted to feel him close to me. But I knew I couldn't.
I put my hand around his waist, leaning back on the bed and pulled him close to me. If I couldn't have him like this for the rest of my life.. I wanted him at least for that night.

"I want you to love me, Peter." I said gasping and he nodded.

He was very quick with taking his clothes off and my eyes wandered all over his body. He was so beautiful. I needed him. I needed him inside of me.
My gaze fell on his slightly errected penis and it made me even more excited. I wanted to touch him. I wanted him to touch me.

"Peter, please, I need you. Love me..." I couldn't say more because he was laying on top of me, his lps roughly pressed against mine.

I didn't want him to be gently. I wanted him to do it exactly like that.

I moaned when he took off my clothes and moved with his hands around my crotch. He put his hand over my mouth and shook his head to warn me to be quiet.
My hands moved along his chest and around his neck. I pulled him close for another kiss and his hands went down to my lower body. He stroked my tights and my hips and then his hand was grabbing my errection. I did the same to him and now he moaned quiet.

We stared at each other and once again I begged for him to love me. He gave me a soft kiss and nodded again. Then he spread my legs, put my feet on his shoulders and guided his penis to my entrance. I closed my eyes when he pushed in slowly. I felt like I was bursting into flames. My whole body was burning and a single tear ran down my cheek. It hurt so much. But I wanted this. I wanted Peter. I wanted to feel him like this.
He pushed deeper inside of me, the pain getting worse. I whimpered and then I felt his lips on mine. His oh so soft lips. I calmed down. It was Peter. Peter.
He was all the way inside of me now and waited for me to get used to the pain. When I felt ready I opened my eyes again and nodded. He began to slightly pull out and it hurt. It hurt when he pushed back in and it hurt when he pulled out more. Each time he was all the way back in he stopped and kissed me to comfort me. By the time he pulled out completely I was used to the feeling and he started pushing in and pulling out without resting inside of me. The pace of his strokes became quicker and we both started breathing heavier. He touched a very sensitive part inside my body a few times and I felt the urge to cry out very loud but he pressed his mouth against mine to prevent it. The pain was all gone by now and all I felt was pure plessure. Peter was loving me. He loved me tonight. I felt another tear falling down and I wasn't sure if it was because of all the plessure I felt.
He was now pumping in and out of me very fast and hit the spot with each trust. I gasped for air and when I felt his hand around my full errected penis it let out a sensation I've never felt before. I cum all over my stomach, his hand and even his stomach and I collapsed. He needed a few more trusts and then I felt him cumming inside of me, giving me an incredible good feeling.
He fell on the bed next to me and we smiled at each other but it was a sad smiling.
Now tears were running down his cheek and I whiped them away.

"Conor, you know know I will never love you again..."

I nodded. I knew.

"Just don't leave me tonight." I whispered and kissed him once again.

He stayed and we layed spooning in comfortable silence for a while before we both fell asleep.

*********

The next morning I woke up by a maid screeching. I was not fully aware of the situation I was in and when I remembered whos legs where entwined around my torso it was too late to react. My Parents were both in my chamber.
My mother was shocked by the sight of Peter and me in this obvious position and fainted. I tried to act like it wasn't what it looked like and wanted to wrapp the sheed around me and Peter, who seemed to hadn't yet realized what was happening. I stopped my every move and froze when my gaze met my father's eyes. They were so full of hate. So dark. So disgusted.
I saw his hands go down to his belt where he was always wearing his pistols. I knew what was going to happen, but I was too shocked to move or even say anything. I couldn't believe all of this was happening. He shot at Peter and I cried out. A tear ran down my cheek when I looked at him and I could see the life disappearing in his eyes. I heard a second shot and felt a short pain in my chest. Before everything went dark I heard the last words my father ever said to me....
"My eldest son will not stain my name."

*********

I had a terrible headache when I woke up again. I didn't remember what had happened and I didn't know where I was. It was cold. I saw trees. I was outside in the woods and I didn't know how I came here. I tried to get up but I couldn't move my body.
I turned my head to one side and saw a fire burning. A man I didn't know was sitting next to it and noticed that I was awake. He smiled at me. A forced smile, I could tell that.

"How do you feel, son?"

"I can't move....My head hurts so bad."

He came to me and helped me into a sitting position.

"You'll get used to it." He smiled at me sympathetically and I didn't know if he was trying to be nice or would to kill me. Maybe he knew who I was and wanted something from my father? Revenge? My father wasn't loved by the people in our area.
I looked around and then I saw the body next to mine.

"Peter?" I yelled. I suddenly remembered everything. I called his name again and again and louder each time, bending over him and shaking his body. His dead body. Tears ran down my cheeks and I collapsed onto him.

This stranger grabbed around my stomach and pulled me back into a sitting position so that I was facing him. I could barely see him through my watered eyes.

"Why?" I begged he would have the answers to my questions.

"I don't know what happened, son. I can only tell you what I know...."

"Oh Lord, tell me than" I cried out helplessly.

"What is your name, son?"

"Conor von Oberst. Who are you?" I tried to stay as calm as I could. I couldn't understand any of this. I had to be dead. Peter was dead. I wasn't supped to be alive. I wanted to be dead. I was supposed to be with him.

"You are his son?? Oh Lord..." He shook his head. "I am William of Lordaley. Who is your companion, you called him Peter?" He pointed at the dead body.

"He is... is.. he was..my..."

"..your beloved one?" He had a sadness in his voice that made me trust him. I felt I could tell him. And I needed to know everything he could tell me so I closed my eyes and nodded, more tears streaming down my face.

"Why am I still here, William of Lordaley?" My voice was shaking.

He gave me a sympathetic smile and pat my shoulders.

"This is going to be a long story, Conor von Oberst....."

And then he told me everything. He told me that I was a part of something bigger. He told me that I was never going to fully grow up now that I died for the first time. He told me the only way I could ever die would be to cut off my head. He told me about the 'other' Immortals and about this inner energy all of us had. He told me that this energy would be given to another Immortal when he takes off another one's head and that we're all supposed to be fighting until there's only one left. He told me about the swordplays and he told me he'd teach me everything about it. He told me that this headache I had was a signal that another Immortal was close and that there's another kind that shows somebody who's immortal but hasn't died yet.
He taught me the 'rules'... told me I was save on holy ground. That it was an unwritten law to not 'kill' another Immortal to avoid the swordplay and then take his head off. He warned me to not 'steal' the energy afer a swordplay by going closer to the dead body than the Immortal who took the head off....

I let all of this sink deep into me. I knew he was telling me the truth. I had beein dead.

"Peter?" My voice was begging but I knew the answer. He was not coming back to me. He was right last night. He would never love me again.

Will shook his head and embraced me when I started crying.

"Conor, are you going to tell me what had happened?" I nodded against his chest and he let me out of his clinch.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down when I told him that my brother died, that my father was expecting me to marry this earl's daughter….. how I realized that I loved…. Peter.
I told him how comfortable Peter had made me feel and how I didn't want him to leave after he loved me. I started crying again. It was all my fault that Peter was dead now. If he hadn’t been in the chamber when the maid came in the next day… or if I had just locked the door... nobody would have known.

Will embraced me again and whispered comforting words. He told me it wasn’t my fault but even if it wasn’t my fault… I was alone now. I could never go back home and … Peter.. he was dead.

When I became more quiet Will told me I had to help him burying Peter. First I shook my head furiously but I knew I had to so I helped him.

While we digged a hole in the ground for Peter’s body he told me what happened after my father shot us.
He told me how he saw my father’s coach leaving the village and followed because he felt the waking up. It was another unwritten law to be there when another Immortal wakes up for the first time and needs help.
He told me that he was living outside the village for a couple of month now because he felt my presence there.. he just didn’t know who he felt and that he was really shocked when he saw my father and a servant pushing two not fully grown ups who were obviously murdered out of the coach.
We only have one servant I could imagine to help him with these kind of things: Peter’s father.

I sighed when we carried Paters body to the hole and lay him down. I thought I had no tears left but I was wrong. They were rolling again. I sobbed when Will filled the hole with earth again. I had made a simple cross from wood I'd found and stuck in onto Peter's grave. I kept his chain around my neck and grabbed it, saying a silent prayer.

"Conor," Will said after a while, patting my shoulder. "We need to leave this place."

I simply nodded. I didn't want to go but I didn't want to stay either.

Title: stay with me (pt. 4)

Sat, 11 Dec 2004 19:38:22 GMT

Writer: hxc_sucks aka me
Rating: not american so i have no idea.
Part: 4 of ?
Pairing: sonny/nate and a bit jesse/dan (from first to last/finch, brand new/senses fail) ?? (surprise, surprise :P)
Summary: Friday, showtime. just read it.....
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:
*I was planning on writing some hot boysex in chapter 4 but unfortunaly a new charakter appears and now it's too much plot and we're not at the end of the day yet. bwahaha. it was a friend's idea. not mine. hope you like it anyway ;D
*special thanks to xxemalyxx for beta-ing =D

I remember how I woke up on tuesday morning hearing my alarm clock. I must have fallen asleep about my own thoughts. But hey, being awake meant I was going to see Nate again in about an hour. I thought about his smile and his lips on mine and that made me feel warm inside.

I remember how my mum asked me why I was so nervous when I came down for breakfast and told her I couldn’t eat. She asked if I was excited to see this girl again. I told her that I wasn't nervous because of seeing Linda again. She didn't ask me for the reason why I was nervous then so I had no reason to tell her. (I think if she had asked I wouldn't have told her, it was too early, I still needed to get comfortable with myself)

I remember(of course I do, it's only 3 days ago) how my heart started beating faster when Nate arrived at the house. I was already standing outside for 40 minutes (He could have just knocked on the door but that would have meant losing at least two minutes we could share together. And two minutes is long, you know.)

I remember every second of the last three days.
How I didn’t care that we couldn’t just show everybody how much we like each other.
How I didn’t care about the other students whispering.
How I didn’t care about Brad’s threats and his warnings.
All I cared about was knowing Nate in the same building. Or in the same class. Next to me. Hearing his breathing, knowing him looking at me, looking back at him, holding his hand whenever we were sure nobody saw us. Not eating any lunch because we went to our ‘secret spot’ every break….

*********

We went to Vino’s the whole week and here we are right now. The only difference is:
today he won’t have to leave because his band has to practice until the middle of the night.
Today we are all sitting here because it’s Friday. The day of the show. Nate told me that it’s actually their first show and that he’s been talking to a guy from this third band. It’s their first show as-well. Jesse’s band will be the only band that had ‘on-stage-experience’ so they will be the ‘headliner’.
Nate and Jesse are both more than nervous.

Jesse and Dan also have kind of started dating ‘officially’ this week.
Dan told me he’d thought about what I told him and that he’s going to see a therapist now. They’re cute together. Everybody says it.
Ok, not everybody, actually, most people don’t. Brad for example is giving Dan warning glances in the gym all the time.
He doesn’t do anything, though because he knows Dan has a few people that care for him. It wouldn’t be funny to hurt somebody who ~~fucked~~ knows the chief of police’s son.
Also, Dan’s parents don’t care what he’s doing at all and Jesse’s are quite ok with his sexuality.

He told me they’re always over-reacting and reading books about ‘it’ all the time and suddenly like ‘art’ and ‘foreign movies' now.
They heard ‘those’ people are interested in these kind of things and want to show him that they are interested in what he’s into.
He’s tried to tell them that he’s just into music and nothing else but he told me he thinks they don’t believe him. ‘a gay guy who likes to make noisy rock music’….

Linda is here as-well. Yesterday Nate and I talked about her during a lesson and he told me that he couldn’t understand how she never cared about Jesse’s homosexuality but freaked out when he told her that he was gay as-well. I just said that she was the friend I wanted to bring to the show and that I thought he should go and talk to her. He did.
They talked during the whole lunch break. She told him. She told him why she was so distant. Told him how much she loved him, how much she still loves him but in a different way, that she wants to remain friends with him, with all of us. She assured me she liked me a lot and that she wasn't jealous or something but glad that Nate had taste (yeah I bushed a lot within the last week)

"We should go by now, it's almost 5:30 and Jesse and I need to be at the club at 6." Nate finally says, pointing at his watch.

We say good-bye to Vino and Marta and go to Nate's car.

When we arrive at the club we can already see a bunch of kids waiting outside and I give the others a puzzled look. Jesse's just grinning madly.

"Don't you remember what I told you on monday? We have some fans. We even have a song everybody knows and sings along and all the girls are getting wet eyes, stare at me and I have no doubt they want me to get in their panties, only thing is I wrote this song for a guy.... how ironic"

"Brand New are actually some kind of local heroes, you know" Nate tells me.

"Aha" I'm kind of shocked, really... I'm not even going to see a few nice bands, I'm seeing 'local heroes'. I'm friends with them! Yes, life is perfect.

“Do you want to come in and meet the other guys? Jesse has to do some sound-check since they’re headliner and get some privileges.” I nod while we’re already at the entrance. Linda and Dan seem to be used to this.

“Shut up Nate, you have enough time to check and you suck anyway” Jesse’s still grinning and pokes Nate teasingly.

They nod to the guy who I think works for the club to make sure we’re allowed to follow them .

“Yeah but it’s not the same to actually do a sound-check or just fix you’re sound right before you’re starting your set.“

“Nate, go cry.” Now Jesse’s laughing pretty loud.

"Yeah, will do that later on.. anyway... I think your boys are over there" He points to the end of the room we just entered. I notice that that's where the stage is and a few people are preparing for the show.

They notice us and one of them shouts. "Jesse, you're late, get your ass over her. Hey Dan, hey Nate, hey Linda where's sarah? Hey kid with weird expression on it's face." okay, I guess that's me

Jesse goes to the stage, jumps up on it and waves back at us.

"So.. " Nate speaks while turning to Linda and Dan. "Are you staying here? I think I need to tell a few people something..." Dan nods.

Linda smiles brightly. "Okay, good luck." Good luck??

He grabs my hand and leads me to a door next to the stage while mumbling a little 'thanks' in Linda's direction.

"Nate... where are we going?"

We go down a corridor and stop in front of the second door.

"Um.. Backstage? To the rest of my band. The doors open in about 20 minutes. That's enough time for me to tell them something and it's not enough time for them to react and kick me out of the band...." He sighs and opens the door.

Inside a few guys are sitting on a couch, drinking beer and talking about who knows what.

"Hey look who's paying a visit...Nate, you know that you're pretty damn late, right? I hope you have a good excuse..." One of them stands up, coming close to us and blinking at Nate sheepishly.

"Uhm..yeah.. sorry 'bout that,Randy. Guys, I have to.. uh... maybe it wasn’t a good idea..." He steps back a bit and is now standing right in front of me, almost hiding me.

Randy gives him a suddenly serious look.

"Dude, what is wrong with you? What’s not a good idea?" Then he cocks his head in my direction "Who's that? A guy from this from blah to blah band?"

Nate swallows and I just watch them both, not knowing what the hell is going on here.

"N..no... he's not in this band.. that's Sonny... he's in a few of my classes and..." He turns to simper at me and looks back at his band-mate, sighing again. "He is.... oh fuck it. He's my boyfriend."

The guys on the couch just stare at him and now at me and I'm feeling my legs go limb. Did he really say that??

“I KNEW IT” Randy yells while turning to the rest of the band. ”Guys… money's mine!”

I’m perplex, stare at him and at Nate who has a big question-mark on his face.

“You’re not going to tell me you were betting on me being gay, don’t you?” He almost whispers, a shocked expression on his face.

“Haha. No, Nate, not at all. The others thought you’d hook up with a girlish looking indi guy.. conor-oberst-kind, you know... I was betting you’d catch one of those hardcore-kids. Yeah. I won. Thanks man” He laughs and hugs me.

I blush and give him a puzzled look “Eh.. you’re welcome?”

That’s when I realize Nate just called me his boyfriend and it makes me extremely proud.

"You're okay? I'm just making fun of Nate, we all know he's dated a guy before, but he never actually introduced him as his boyfriend." He turns to Nate. "This time it's serious, I guess?"

"Uh..I eh..yeah..eh..wait.. you knew??" Nate stutters. So cute.

"Of course we knew, this kid appeared and than it disappeared... The reason was more than obvious but we decided we wouldn't force you to talk about it..." A guy on the couch says. He stands up and goes in our direction. "We should go now, we have to get ready….. Nate stop looking like that, nobody's making a big deal out of it. Sonny, nice to meet you, bring the mosh, right?" He pats Nate’s shoulder and I nod. sure, if they rock, I'll bring the mosh.
'Bring the mosh'. That sounds so stupid.

Our little group heads back to the hall were the stage is and I see that they already let the people in. Linda, Dan, Jesse, the rest of his band and a few other people are stand beside the stage. Finch enter it, adjusting their instruments.
Linda waves at me and I go to her. She introduces me to the rest of Jesse's band, not bothering to tell me who those kids are that are not a part of the band. From the angry look they give me I guess it's just Fans...

"How was it?" Linda asks me.

"Unexpected, but they seem pretty cool with it.... you knew he was going to tell them, right?"

"Yeah, it was my idea to do it tonight. The earlier the better." She winks.

"We gonna start now" Nate walks over to us, still standing on the stage. "Holy shit, I'll pee my pants."

"No, you won't" I tell him. "Now just start"

He leans down to me and kisses me. I’m surprised. He’s kissing me in puplic?

“You know…” He says. “I don’t care if everybody knows. I’m so glad you’re here tonight.”

That’s enough explanation I need and I nod.

He sighs when the lights go out and walks back to his microphone, looking at me nervously. I just smile. He's looking so extremely beautiful in the spotlight and I can't wait to hear his voice echoed in the whole hall.
The other people seem to have noticed that the show is about to begin because there are a few of them already close to the stage.

"Hey..." Nate speaks in the microphone. "Hello there, we're Finch, this is actually our first show. Thanks to Brand New for inviting us"

By the mentioning of Brand New a few kids are cheering and the show is about to begin. Nate introduces the first song as called 'Project Mayhem' and I'm really impressed. This song kicks!
They're pretty good, when I think about the fact that it's their first show. I planned on just staying there watching Nate, but I can't. The crowd is crazy. I feel the urge to jump around and enjoy what feels like a million bodies, pushing and pulling, all the good stuff. A few times I catch the look a strange guy gives me, but each time he notices me he turns to look at the stage...
Is he staring at Nate now?? weird.

Far too soon I hear those word I really didn't want to hear.

"It was a pleasure being here tonight, hope you enjoyed it. Have fun with the other bands. This is going to be our last song...I only wrote it a few days ago....." Nate looks around the crowd to meet my eyes briefly. "....after meeting somebody special."

Randy's standing next to him, patting his shoulder and shaking his head smiling.

I smile as-well and I know this is going to be my song. I don't care that this guy who was staring at Nate before is now standing next to me, maybe a bit too close. He seems to be hugged by a girl but isn't keeping his eyes off of Nate. It makes me feel weird but I just listen to Nate's voice. The most beautiful voice i've ever heard.

Once again your eyes make it hard to say goodbye so I'll just keep driving
I remember how I felt when he drove me home on monday, how I just wanted to stay in his car.

Where do you wanna go?
it doesn't really matter as long as you are here with me ... with me ... with me
I remember how he said this to me, twice.

Whoa... There's something in the air tonight
Something that makes me feel alive
And i say whoa... What were the words that you said to me that made me feel so special now ..
His voice is echoed in the hall, not many people seem to pay much attention to the words he's singing, their bodys just move to the music, but for me... his words mean everything.
I make him feel special.

I can see that this ~~good looking~~ weird guy is looking at me and he seemed to have noticed my staring at Nate and smirks. I don't care. I try to follow Nate's movements on stage, watch his lips, trying to guess what the next words are that will come out of it.

Once again your eyes make it hard to ask you why so i sit here knuckles tight
Hands against the wheel, your head against the glass
And you mean so much to me ... to me ... to me
I remember how I fell asleep in his car on tuesday when he picked me up because I couldn't get much sleep the night before, thinking about him constantly.

I can't believe he wrote a song for me.
I can't believe he wrote this song for me. It's so great.
My mind is lost in deep thought when I try to concentrate on the song to catch the rest of the lyrics. It's not very easy because of all the pushing and pulling around me.

Cigarettes and open air, hand in hand
I said stay with me
Cuz every star that i see is brighter than the last
I remember the park. How we walked along, hand in hand. How we sat at the bench in silence, enjoying each other's presence. This moment was so perfect.

The song is slowing down and now I notice that Nate's repeating those words I wanted to hear since monday in gym.

Stay with me....
Yes, he want's me to stay with him. And I want to stay with him.

When the song is over Nate's whispering a small 'thanks' in the microphone and jumps off the stage, searching his way through the crowd immediately. Then he's standing right in front of me.
He notices this weird guy and nods at him. they know each other??
I don't worry about that for long, though. He grabs my waistband and presses his hips against mine, smirking at me. I take that as a signal to just do what I really have to do now. I put my hands around the back of his head and push his face close to mine. He parts his lips and I slip my tongue inside his mouth. I can hear 'weird guy' letting out a weak gasp and from the corner of my eyes I can see the expression on his face and his girl is pulling him outside. not that I care….

"How did you like it?" Nate says smiling, after getting himself out of my clinch.

"you've been awesome. Nobody would guess it was your first show!"

"I wasn't talking about that" He looks at me with his puppy dog smile.

"The song? Nate, I'm nearly exploding right now, I can't believe you wrote a song because of me." I press him closer to me in excitement.

"So I guess you like it?"

"Yes". I hiss in his ear, kissing his neck.

"Should we go to the bar? There's a nice little sofa and we can watch the next band from there. In case they suck we can do… something else"

I nod. He grabs my hand and we walk over to this sofa.

"Nate, who's that guy who was staring at you?" I ask, still smiling. But I want to know, though.

"Who? I had my eyes locked on you the whole time" He leans back and I put my head in his lap.
I'm already used to this. one of his hands stroking my stomach, the other curling through my hair (when he's not smoking...like he does right now)

"Don't lie. You know who I mean. You nodded at him, so don't tell me you don't know him or didn't notice him."

"Ah...you're talking about Frank?" He takes a drag from his cigarette. "Well, yeah, ok i admit that..."

"You admit that? Want me to be jealous?" I try to sound serious but I know he knows I'm not.

"No, no. No reason to.. Plus, I saw you looking at him as-well...I know you think he's hot, right?" Damn. Why is he reading my mind constantly?

"Yeah ok, he's hot, not as hot as you are, though. But i don't like other guys stare at you..... Well, I do, because it means I have taste, but.. it's weird."

"Maybe he wasn't staring? He was with his girlfriend, Sonny"

"He was staring, no doubt, and I think his girl didn't like that... Now tell me. Who is he?"

Nate sighs. "Frank Iero. Guitar player from another kind of well-known local band. They played a few shows with Brand New, therefore I know him and.. Yeah.. Before he met this girl there where rumors that he liked me, you know..."

"Really?"

"Yeah..well.. actually...it wasn't all rumors. He told me." He pauses. "It was weird. I liked him, too, but for some strange reason I kept on pretending I wasn't exactly gay."

"Whoho..Wait. So.. I do have a reason to be jealous?"

"No, of course not."

"Sure about that?"

"Yeah, you're ten times better than he is. Maybe I knew I’d meet you…." He leans down and kisses me and I just enjoy his comforting. I know I have no reason to be jealous at all.

After a short time has past we notice the lights going out again. The next band is on stage.

"Haha, look at them, Sonny, you could sooooooo be one of them!" Nate's suddenly pushing me off his lap to make me look at the stage.

A bunch of kids standing there, looking like they're trying really hard to be tough. I really hate to admit that but he's right. If i'd be standing next to them I would look like everybody else. They seem funny, though.
One of them is now standing at a microphone, trying to say something.

"Uh... Hey.. We're From First To Last. Don't try to remember that name, this is our first and probably last show. Our singer thought we suck so he left. Fucking pussy for leaving right before the first show..." He growls. "Anyway, just try to imagine that normally we have somebody who can actually sing."

They start and apart from the singing they're pretty good. (The singing isn't bad either, it just could be better and the guy who's doing most parts seems to have difficulties remembering all the lyrics)

"Want to go dance?" Nate asks.

I nod. He stands up, grabs my hand and leads me into the pit where we're pulled apart pretty soon. I can't keep my eyes off of him while trying to not get hurt too much.

During one of the slower parts at the end when the crowd calming down again he reaches behind me and puts his arms around my stomach.
I look up at him and I can see a different look in his eyes.

"Nate?"

"Yeah?"

"What's going on?" I'm a bit worried.

"I need to talk to Jesse. Do you want to come with me or just stay here until the band is finished?"

"I'll come with you. They just said it was the last song anyway."

We head out of the crowd and in the direction of the door next to the stage.

"Hey Garrett, where's Jesse?" Nate asks one of Jesse's band-mates who's standing next to the door.

Garrett points to the door. "Toilets. He's already seen him. I wanted to talk to him but he wouldn't let me. Will you guys try it? I guess he's talking to you.."

"I'll try." Nate pats Garrett's shoulder sighing and we go through the door.

Nate knocks on the door at the end of the corridor.

"Jess, open the door. It's Nate and Sonny, come on, I know what's going on."

We hear somebody sniveling on the other side of the door and a soft 'click' is signalizing us that the door is open so we go inside the room. Jesse's just standing there, arms crossed in font of his chest, red eyes.

"Are you going to tell me what is going on?" I ask when Nate hugs Jesse and tells him that he'd always be there for him. I hope I'm not sounding too harsh.

Nate turns his face to me. "Tom is here. I saw him in the pit."

"Oh..." Wow, my famous answer again. I go to Jesse and stroke his back. "Hey, I'm sorry"

He get's out of nate's embracement and turns to me, sighing.

"It's ok. Not your fault. I knew I'd see him again. I just didn't want it to happen at one of our shows. Well..." He sighs while going through the door, heading back in the direction of the stage. "I'll tell the other guys that I want to play 'Seventy times 7' first, I want to enjoy this show. Do you know where Dan is?"

"Yeah, he's with the others." Nate answers.

"OK" and off he is jumping on stage, preparing for the show.

"I guess this song he mentioned is about Tom?" I ask Nate.

"Yeah it is..." Nate looks at Jesse, obviously worried.

I sigh and grab Nate's hand, making my way in the middle of the front row where Dan and Linda are standing right now. And this strange Frank guy and his girl, who is giving us an angry glance.

Short time later the lights go down and Jesse walks towards the microphone.

"Hey... nice to see some familiar faces. mainly. I think you all know us..If not... We're Brand New. The first song goes out to somebody I haven't seen for years, hope you understand the text." His voice is cold and if I didn't know what this is all about, i'd say it was almost emotionless. I only catch a few lines of the song, but it's quite obvious how he felt when he wrote it, and how much Tom really meant to him.

Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,
like how to deal with despair, or someone breaking your heart....
For twelve years I've held it all together but a night like this is begging to pull me apart.

As if this happening wasn't enough I got to go
and write a song just to remind myself how bad it sucked.

So don't apologize. I hope you choke and die.

Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield

You left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever

It has a few pretty tough lines, clearly showing how important this friendship was for Jesse and I feel so bad for him. This Tom must be the biggest asshole on the planet.

The rest of the show Jesse seems to start enjoying being on stage more and more. He jumps around smiling, grinning at Dan from time to time. He has the crowd under control and I have to say Brand New is pretty good. It definatly was a good idea to appear tonight.

„OK kids, this is going to be our last song. You know this one. Sing as loud as you can, because the person I wrote it for is here and it’s finally all good.” Jesse goes to the edge of the stage and sits down right in front of Dan. “This is the 'No Seatbelt Song'.”

Nate is pulling both his arms around me and when the song starts he tightens his grip, pressing me close to his body, whispering the whole song in my ear. I only listen to him, everything else is out of focus. I know this song is not about me. It’s all about how Jesse’s felt about Dan for so long and now that’s all good. I can’t help it but have to smile at them, looking at each other, knowing that they made the right decision.
And I know I made the right decision as-well.

”It’s only you beautiful … or I don’t want anyone else.
If I can chose it’s only you beautiful

Yes, Nate is so beautiful. I could never chose anybody else. I sigh and turn my head to kiss him.

From the corner of my eyes I can see that Frank and his girlfriend are standing next to us, kissing as-well. Frank has his eyes open end.... is he staring at us? Yes, he is! This is definatly turning me on in a weird way and I can't look away when he's looking in my eyes. I stop kissing Nate and when I interpret his questioning daze I cock my head in Frank's direction. He grins at him, puts his hands around my neck and kisses me again, forcefully, showing we belong together. I close my eyes and smile against his lips, as far as that's possible with his tongue deep inside my throat....
I wake from my slightly high moment by a screaming girl.

"You sick fuck!"

I open my eyes and turn my head to the side where it came from and I see a confused looking Frank and his girlfriend who has a red head and seems very angry. She storms away and he gives us a weird look before running after her. I turn back at Nate and we both shrug.

Brand New have just finished the song and Jesse jumps off the stage and is now hugging and kissing Dan, not paying any attention to the astonished looks some girls around are giving them. It seems like Jesse wasn't lying. Those girls really wanted him to go in their pants. And he is going into another boys pants.

When the crowd is slowly beginning to leave the club Jesse and Nate have to get their stuff off the stage. Linda, Dan and I go to sit on the sofa at the bar, waiting for them. I notice this short black haired guy sitting at the bar, staring at the people on stage. I bet I know who that is.

"Hey, this boy over there, is that..?"

"Yeah, that's Mr. asshole himself. That's Tom" Dan answers.

"I really want to know what he's still doing here." Linda replies. "I wonder why he was here in the first place."

We stay quiet and watch Tom for a while. He looks nervous.

When Jesse and Nate come in our direction, Tom and Jesse's eyes are locked on each other but Nate is leading Jesse to us and when they passed Tom his head falls down. So he wants to talk to Jesse? He sighs and slowly follows Nate and Jesse.

"Jess...?" He let's out pretty low when he reached us.

Jesse turns around and peers at him. "That's how my friends call me. So don't fucking call me that!"

"Jesse...please let me ..." he stopps.

"Let you what? Tom, what the fuck do you want?" Jesse isn't loud. He's not yelling. He just looks at Tom and says those things almost emotionless.

"Let me talk to you... I want to..."

"Apologize?? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you have some problems with your ears? Didn't you hear that first song we played?" Tom nods slowly and I know I should hate this guy but he looks really miserably. "I may not still wish you choke and die, but.. don't. fucking. appologize. You're a few years too late." he turns around and grabs Dans hand roughly. "Can we go and fuck each other senseless??"

Dan stars at Jesse with wide eyes. "Eh....."

He didn't expect that. None of us did. This wasn't a typical Jesse-declaration.

"Please, Jesse... don't do this" Tom starts again and Jesse turns back at him, not able to fully control his voice any longer. You can here his anger rising.

"Don't do what? Fuck my boyfriend? I thought you wanted to appologize? THIS was the reason why you became such a dickhead in the first place, remember? Why are you even here when you can't expect that? Did you think I suddenly turned straight and we can be best friends again? No, Dan. I'm still the good ol' faggot you used to know...."

"I wasn't talking about that!" Tom interrupt him, yelling now. He takes a deep breath before he continues. "Just don't leave it like that, please. ...Can we talk?"

"If you mean 'talk alone' .. No. My friends know everything anyway, if you want to tell me something do it now. You wont get another chance."

Tom sighs.

"Jesse, I.... I'm really sorry about all of this... I'm so sorry for not having the guts to talk to you earlier. I didn't know how to do it, I knew you would freak out, hate me even more..."

"Get to the point now" Jesse wants to sound annoyed but we all know he's just trying not to let his emotions overflow. This guy used to be his best friend, he really meant a lot to him and smashed his heart into pieces.

"I.... I wasn't planning to talk to you tonight, Jess. I...didn't even know you were here. I only got to know Brand New was playing when I arrived. I was even thinking about leaving again...." he sighs. "But I decided I really need to talk to you because... I've missed you, I missed you and I regret what I did. My reason why I acted like I did was just recreantly... I... I.. don't even know how to explain it to you..."

" Why were you here then? Tom, I'm not listening to this much longer, now fucking get it out!”

"I.... I...was here…. Because of From First To Last. They're friends of me..one of them, Matt..." he looks down on the ground, taking a deep breath. Oh joy, confession time...
"Ismyboyfriend"

"WHAT??" Jesse stands there, his jaw dropped to the floor.

I look at Nate and he just shakes his head. "Tom, you're an asshole. You really are." He sighs and stands besides Jesse, patting his shoulder. "Now give him the chance to talk with you alone, we're waiting outside."

He grabs my hand and Linda, Dan and I stand up from the couch. Dan gives the still kind of shocked looking Jesse a comforting hug before he follows Linda to the bar. Nate and I head in the direction of the back door.

"Wow, I can say I didn't expect that.." I say.

"Yeah" Nate lets out with a sigh. "I only hope they don't start arguing about stupid things now. From what Jesse told me about him he always seemed like the nice guy everybody came along with, and Jesse always told me how glas he was I was his best friend now, but he still missed Tom and never wanted to believe he was an asshole.... come to think of it... it makes sense. Tom didn't want to see he was gay and when Jesse told him, he was confronted with it. I mean.. why should he even go to a different school, everybody else is just bullying Jesse.."

"Do you think they will fight or something?" I’m worried. I don’t think Tom could hurt Jesse but you never know….

"No. Jesse won't forget this, but I’m sure he will forgive him. He's too nice. Besides.. he believes in this 'best friends means friends forever' thing."

We're now standing in front of the back door and Nate pushes it open.

"Everything will work out fine, don't worry." he tells me while we walk through the door and find ourselfs standing in a dark alley. I normally wouldn't feel very comfortable but Nate's here and that's all I care about

"eh.. nice place." I tell him with a slightly sarcastic tone.

He smirks, grabs me by the shoulders and presses me against the wall.

"I know..." he whispers and presses his hips into mine, his lips placed on my mouth, his tongue drawing the line of my lower lip, begging for entrance. I put my hands around his back and press him closer to my body. My mouth opens slightly while my hands go further down his back and under the waistband of his pants and his shorts, slightly stroking the skin. He let's out a low moan and I smile against his lips.

"I've been waiting for you to do this the whole day..." I tell him. Gasping for air and hunting for his lips again.

"I know." He bits my lower lip and his hands move down my chest, starting to open my belt.

He suddenly stops what he's about to do when we hear two distant voices. They're arguing. I look at Nate and he nods. I have to get used to the way he's reading my mind. I close my belt and we go in the direction of the voices, realizing that it's Frank and his girlfriend.

"No, I didn't..."

"You did, I'm not stupid, Frank"

"It's nothing, really. You know I love you. You know I do."

"No you don't, you wouldn't do this to me if you did. Don't tell me you love me!" the girl's voice is getting louder. Frank wants to put his hand on her shoulder but she pushes it away. "Don't touch me!"

"Why are you freaking out like that? Jamia?... you said you'd be ok with it... I'm just... Please... I'm not.." he stops and turns when he sees Jamia suddenly staring in our direction. Her look is ice-cold. It makes me shiver.

"Frank, you're going to regret this. I swear you will regret." She speaks low now, just loud enough for us to hear. "I hope burn in hell like they will do, you sick faggot."

Jamia starts to walk away and Frank grabs her by her wrist. "Jamila, please don't go.... I love you."

She turns and her hand lands in his face with a clapping sound. "Don't say that ever again."

Title: stay with me (interlude)

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 09:58:17 GMT

Writer: hxc_sucks aka me
Rating: not american so i have no idea.
Part: interlude
Pairing: sonny/nate and a bit jesse/dan (from first to last/finch, brand new/senses fail)
Summary: high school stuff.
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:
*this is an interlude. I didn't want to write it in the first place and only put it in the next chapters in some form of flashback or something like that but now I figured out it would be better this way. it's pretty short because I only wrote it now, I'm in the middle of writing chapter 4 actually ;D

when Jesse and Dan leave Nate and I go to his car and just sit there for a moment, looking at each other.

"where do you want to go?" I ask after realizing that after 5 minutes we're still here.

"like I said.. it doesn't matter as long as you are here with me". he smiles at me.

"Nate.... I need to be at home in about....shit!" I stare at my watch and back at him "when the hell did the time fly by? it's almost 8 already? I need to be at home in less than 2 hours."

"damn. that means we don't have the time to watch bambi." I know he wants to be funny (yeah, bambi makes you cry and then you want to cuddle. good try, Nate) but I can hear the disappointment in his voice.

"we can watch a movie another time."

"right...so... what else can we do? what do you think about just going to the park?"

"sounds good to me, haven't seen the park yet and my parents say there are a few nice corners."

"yeah there are" he smirks and starts the engine.

we arrive at the park when it's already dark and walk along the narrow paths hand in hand. I did not notice him grabbing my hand at first but I do it now, look at my hand and give him a questioning gaze.

"it's dark already, not many people here, no need to hide" he says when he's interpreting my reaction.

"okay" I smile at him and squeeze his hand lightly.

after a while we reach a hidden corner of the park and sit down on a bench, in comfortable silence. he does not have to say anything. knowing him near me, hearing him breathing, seeing him smiling at me.... that's all I need.
he reaches further down the bench and I lay down, putting my head in his lap, closing my eyes. just the way I did it this morning at school.

I think back at how I entered the school building for the first time and can't believe this was only a few hours ago. a few hours ago I was a wannabe-hardcore-kid, trying to survive a normal high school day without any friends.... and now I not only had met a couple of awesome persons I am sure I can call friends already...no, I also found the realization I'm gay. I met him
this feeling in my stomach... I never ever want to miss it. never ever want to leave his side. that's for sure. I want to tell him how much I love him but I know that's silly. we only started getting to know each other....

"Sonny, what are you thinking right now?" I open my eyes again and blink at him when he says this after some time has past. he's looking down on me, smiling softly. now I realize he's smoking. it makes him so beautiful, so sexy.

I tell him to look at the sky.

he does and sights. "they're all so bright tonight, every star that I see is brighter than the last...this is perfect"

I lean on my hands to sit on the bench again, sitting on one leg and turning to face him.

"yeah it is" I whisper when we lean close and kiss.

I cup his cheek with one hand and put the other hand on his waist and he puts both his hands around my head, forcing my tongue deeper in his mouth....

we hear a few strange noises coming from the bush behind us but don't pay any attention until a hairy guy in unbelted jeans and a kind of exhausted looking girl get out of it. the girl just stares at us with an undefined look and the guy's face turns red when he sees us.

"urgh. that's disgusting!" he barks, grabbing his girl and walks away quickly.

"not nearly as disgusting as fucking in a bush in a park where kids can find your condoms." I yell back at him. "dumbass!"

when the couple is out of sight we both start laughing.

"she liked what she saw." I say and Nate nods.

"maybe that's why he was freaking out..." he smirks. "he also did."

"damn right, how could he not like it?"

I give him a peck and he stands up, reaches out his hand.

"we gotta go, your parents sure as hell won't be happy if you're late."

I sigh. "yeah, right."

we go back to the car and I sit down in the passengers seat, letting out a sigh of frustration when he starts the engine and heads in the direction of my neighborhood.

he kisses me once more and whispers, as if he's afraid somebody could hear him. "your eyes make it hard to say good bye, I'll just keep driving, okay?"

"okay" I smile at him, knowing that he will drive me home but it's nice to pretend that we just stay like this forever.

a few minutes later we're parking in front of my house.

"we see at school tomorrow, right?" I ask.

"I could come here in the morning and pick you up, if you want."

I nod and he leans over me, kissing me once more.

"now go. I'll be here when you leave the house tomorrow." he smiles and I smile back at him while leaving the car and going to the front door. he is waiting until I'm inside the house. I close the door behind me and when I hear his car driving away I sigh.

I can smell the dinner and hear my parents talking in the living room where we're eating dinner. (breakfast in the kitchen and we normally don't eat lunch. that's the way it's always been.. nobody knows why, though.)
I decide to go to my own room before coming back down to eat something but my parents already noticed me.

"Sonny, dinner is ready, you have a perfect timing." my mother yells.

I sigh again and enter the room. I nod at my parents and sit down at the table.

"how was your first day, son?" I don't know why my father wants to know. well, I guess he wants to make sure I don't suffer too much.

"Well.. yeah, the teacher are ok, a few of my class mates are idiots but I already met a few cool kids as-well."

"so you make friends with ‘popular’ people now?" he gives me a strange look.

"no, dad, not at all. I said they were cool, not popular. popularity in high school means you’ll have to either be an asshole or a jock and I guess I'm none of this..."

"okay, never mind, I'm glad you're making friends." he pats me on the shoulder and the rest of the dinner we talk about how my day was like and where i'd been. I basically tell them the truth. I tell them about being at Vino's with the boys and how much I like Vino and Marta. I also tell them that the guys are in bands, that they invited me to come to the show on friday and that I will go there with Linda. my mum seems to be happy about that. I don't tell them about Nate. for now. but I will.

after dinner I go to my room and try to do some homework but I can't concentrate at all so I just lay on my bed. my thoughts are all about Nate. I want him close to me. now. I'm already addicted to him and suddenly I'm not so sure about being able to wait until friday anymore. but in the same way I'm more than excited to see him on stage and want friday to be tomorrow.
I also wonder what to do about his father. I'm afraid he's dangerous.....

Title: stay with me (pt. 3)

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 12:46:07 GMT

Writer: hxc_sucks aka me
Rating: not american so i have no idea.
Part: 3 of ?
Pairing: sonny/nate and a bit jesse/dan (from first to last/finch, brand new/senses fail)
Summary: high school stuff.
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:
*still my first try with 'real' persons so don't be too harsh
*i don't know much about the american school system, if somethings waaaaay stupid just ignore it please
*i'm not english so don't yell at me when i use wrong grammar or words :/

Nate and I stare at him leaning against the doorframe. “you’re looking kind of shocked, guys. didn't expect to see me?” he's grinning all over his face.

“holy shit….. you scared me to death….” Nate looks at me and back at him. “did…. anybody else…. notice anything, Dan?”

“don’t worry, nobody except me is here…”

“how long have you been standing there?” Nate asks, giving him a suspicious look.

“not very long, I guess I’ve missed the interesting stuff…… I basically only caught your greasy conversation but it seems like you had some fun….I kind of knew what was going on here so I told coach Miller to look after you when somebody from your social science class said you probably weren’t finding the gym. I guess you just didn’t find the right door, eh?” he smirks, looking at me. “seems like you’re not as straight as we thought you are”

I smile at Nate. “yeah, I guess it wouldn’t make sense to deny anything.” I shrug. “sometimes it just needs the right person to realize a few things…”

Nate smiles back at me and gives me a peck on my forehead.

“okay, okay, I got you, now stop it, this is so drippy” Dan laughs.

“you wouldn’t talk like that if you knew how this feels, Dan” Nate looks at him, almost looking like he pities him. “maybe you need to have somebody else every night, but I’m not like that”

“yeah, therefore you’re fucking a previously straight guy the day you meet him….. and you call me a slut…” he’s rolling his eyes, still grinning.

“we did not fuck, and everybody knows you’ve been a slut since you were old enough to have sex, Dan….”

I get the slight idea this is about something else…..

“Nate, please, how often do I have to tell you that I’m not like this any more? I really like Jesse, I’m not just playing with him! if I just wanted to fuck him I would do it, we both know he wouldn’t say no. he’d probably expected it and after that we would live like nothing’s ever happened.…. but I don’t want it to be like that. I like him. maybe it’s not like what you both seem to have found in each other, but I know I could … I could love Jesse….”… he looks at both of us and shrugs. “I care for him, I could never hurt him.”

I don’t know why, but I think he’s telling the truth and I give him a sympathetic look.

“you know what I think about the whole thing and Jesse also knows.” Nate goes on. “I wish you guys find a way to handle it, I really do. but I know how hard it is for you to control your hormones. and you know how sensible our little emo-Jesse is.”

Dan sights. “yeah, but that’s why I like him…… can we… uhm.. change the topic and go to the others now? you still need to get dressed and when I left they just started choosing teams…”

Nate and I nod and go to the dressing room to change our clothes. We should change fast, considering we’re already late, but I can’t stop looking at him while he strips down his pants and winnie is in my sight again. i have to smile, thinking that the first memory I’m going to have when I think back at my first real experience will always be.. winnie the pooh.
Nate pulls off his shirt and looks at me. his chest looks so luscious. I want to grab him immediately

“Sonny, remember this is your first day, stop staring at me and get ready…” he smirks and cocks his head in Dan’s direction. “as much as I’d love to….he’d kill us if we waste more time with a make-out session.” another proof of him reading my mind....

“Oh yeah, I’m going to shoot you both.” Dan says grinning.

“okay, okay, I’m ready” I say when I put my ‘sports dress’ on.

“ready to go to hell a.k.a. ‘basketball with coach miller’?”

“basketball? I hate basketball…”

“we play basketball every Monday” Nate says. Dan shivers. I sigh. great. I hate team sports with a passion

We head in the gym hall and the class is already waiting for us. The coach turns around.

“oh there they are…. mister Barcalow, what took you so long to show mister… “ he looks at me.

“Sonny Moore” I reply.

“…mister Moore the gym? Anyway… we already chose three teams. You play in team A, mister Trapp and mister… Moore play in team C.” he turns to the class. “team A against Team B. winner against team C and after that you can go home, I’m already sick of you. 10 minutes each game. no change of ends.”

He doesn’t even wait for Nate to reply to his question. maybe it would have been an interesting answer. ‘I had to give him release because he had a terrible hard-on’…..

I look at Nate who just shrugs and his mouth forms ‘whatever’ and we smile at each other. I’m a bit disappointed that I’m not in Nate’s team but in that way I can watch him without making it too obvious.
and I can talk to Dan. I really need to know how serious he is with Jesse.

“hey Sonny,” Dan whispers when we head in the direction where the rest of team C is sitting. “let’s sit at the other side of the bench, we should talk, and you don’t want the others to listen, right?”

“okay.” I shrug.

We sit down and I sigh. The match starts and I watch Nate running after the ball, looking at me every few seconds. he’s so damn sexy. his hair is perfect, his face is perfect, his smile is perfect, his body is perfect. NATE is perfect.

“you really like him, don’t you?” Dan interrupts my deep thought.

“yeah..” I answer without taking my eyes off of Nate. beautiful, perfect Nate

"good to hear that, because..." he turns around, checking if anybody's near us and listening. "I'm 100% positive he likes you, too. i never saw him like today. and it would really suck if you just use him to .. i don't know... get familiar with your sexuality or something..."

"I could never...." I turn to face him and try to answer but he's interrupting me.

"well, you're new. nobody knows you. you could say anything. maybe you really are exactly like I used to be? Nate and I might have different point of views sometimes, but he's my friend and I know - even though he will never admit that - he's a lot more sensible than... Jesse is, for instance. I only want to make sure you could be considered a friend as-well and you and Nate is a good idea"

"I have no idea what I'm doing, Dan. I have no idea if it would be a good idea..... when somebody would have asked me when I woke up this morning I'd have said I was straight and I'd have been sure of that! and now..." i look back at the game, searching for Nate's eyes to meet mine."... I can't take my eyes off of a boy I only know a few hours and know I want to spent the rest of my life with him." i sigh.

"yeah I hope that’s a serious thing ....I feel the same about Jesse, kind of." he pauses. "but I needed almost a year to realize how much I like him. and I'm afraid... no.. I know Nate's right when he says it will be hard for me to be loyal to Jesse. I really want us to work out fine. I'd do everything for him. I even thought about making a therapy...."

I look back at him. he is staring at the floor.

"you're serious??" dumb question.

"yeah." he sighs. "I like him. fuck it. no. i love him. I'm so afraid of screwing everything up. he even said he'd be okay with me seeing other people, he said... he wouldn't be that disappointed if I’d have sex with a girl, because... there's differences between boys and girls..." he looks at me and i know he's struggling if he should really tell me all of this. ".. but I don't want to see anybody else. even if he's okay with it.. I couldn't live with knowing I cheated on him. he deserves better. and I really want to be good enough for him. I know he loves me as much as I love him.. I just don't don’t understand why. I’m not the perfect boyfriend…not at all"

"I bet I know why.." i poke him in the side and give him a sympathetic smile. "you might be a slut, but you're an awesome person. maybe.. if you really want this to work.. you should make this therapy. I can't really explain this, but I know Jesse and you belong together. everybody who sees how you look at each other knows that."

he sighs again and smiles back at me.

"Nate is really lucky that you both found each other. I can definitely say the same thing about you two."

I look at the game again and search for Nate but can't find him. where the hell is he? wait...where the hell is the game???

"hey," I jump when somebody puts his hand on my shoulder. I turn my head around and look up at Nate who's looking kind of sweaty from the game, his face turned slightly red. this could definitely turn me on "game's over. we won so you now play against us." I can hear the excitement in his almost breathless comment.

"really? that's great!" I yell, probably a bit too loud because a few of the others turn to us, Brad giving us a wry look. this guy is freaking me out!

"yeah. come on, show me you're a basketball-king" he blinks at me and I laugh.

"whatever. at least you didn't call me a queen"

"I call you whatever you want" he grabs my hand and leads me to the field where the teams are standing, not paying attention to the look Brad is still giving us. why does he have to be in my team? argh!

the coach kicks off the match and I try to concentrate on it but I can't. I really can't. I keep my eyes on Nate and he has me in his focus. it's driving me crazy. why must ten minutes be so long? Dan pats me from time to time to make me flash back to reality and that's ok, I already got almost-hit by the ball 3 times and I really don't need a terrible head-ache.

when the game is finally over we head to the dressing room and ..yeah... this is awkward. nobody's talking and our class mates are glancing at us all the time. I really want to get out of this soon. Nate seems to know what I feel (I bet he is really reading my mind!) and whispers to me "hey, I bet they've already been talking about you and how much you fit in the 'queer-clique'" he shrugs. "well, let's shock them, what do you think?" I look at him "don't you think this is a bit.. early?".... "hey no, I'm not talking about making out or something" then he yells. "hey Dan, what do you think about waiting for Jesse and the four of us ...hang out after school or ..something else?" Dan's jaw drops down and he looks at both of us but then starts laughing when he sees that everybody in the changing room has turned to face us, looking like they can't believe 'they're making it so obvious'. "yeah, sounds like a great idea."

"fags" we hear somebody whisper and ..surprise...it's Brad looking at us, obviously disgusted by only thinking about what we might do outside school. I'd love to tell him what we already did in the toilets.

"asshole" did Nate really say that??

"what did you say, Barc?" Brad's hand is around Nate's Neck immediatly. "who do you think you are?"

"it's Barcalow, assh..."

Brad tightens his grip, Nate's face getting deeper red. "Don't dare to say that again, faggot"

"Brad.." another guy puts his hand on Brad's shoulder. "he's not worse the energy, when he passes out you'll be in trouble. and killing him because he's gay isn't exactly a reason you'll get out of it with..."

this is enough.

"you fucking don't know if he's gay and why does it matter anyway? and he's right. you're all a bunch of assholes!" I let out without thinking. it's too late, it's said.

maybe it wasn't a good idea at all. now I have Brad's attention.

"oh, does our new queer-club-member want to be tough and manly?... oh don't look so shocked. we all know what's it all about with our little Dannyboy. and my dearest friend Jesse has turned Barc into a fag as-well. unfortunately he chose to be Jesses friend, unlike Tom who was wise enough to even go to a different school." he looks at Dan and Nate, Dan trying to ease Nate back to normal breathing by comforting him and then back at me, just staring at him, not believing what he's just saying. "have you looked at yourself lately? I'm sure as hell YOU are pretty welcomed as a new boy-toy for Nate, we all saw how you look at each other!"

"whatever" not the most intelligent answer, but I really don't want to make things worse. I sit down next to nate, put me hand on his shoulder and wait until he's facing me. "are you okay?" he nods. his face almost normal colour again. I look at Dan. "we should go now, before anybody thinks he could be contracted with queerness"

"yeah, let's get out of here".

"not so fast." Brad standing right next to us when we're about to leave the gym, grabbing Nate's arm and turning him very close. "I warn you. you might not come out of the closed any time soon, but if I ever see you doing your fagstuff in front of me your father will know faster than you can say dick,you hear me??? I hope you do, because I’m not going to repeat myself".

shit! what the hell? I want to beat Brad up, kill him for menacing my Nate but Dan grabs my arm and holds me back, whispering “Sonny, you’re making things worse” and I know he’s right.

Brad spits on the ground turns around and heads out of sight. I look at Nate and he swallows hard, not looking back at me. I glance at Dan, who just shrugs.
we walk back to the school building in silence and sit down on a bench outside, waiting for the lesson to be over and catching Jesse.

“he’s an asshole” Nate laughs bitterly now.

“yeah he is” Dan agrees. “are you okay?”

“no, but I guess it could be worse…”

“he could actually tell your father?” I need to know what’s going on. I’m worried. “Nate… is.. is your father.. like.. you know?” I look at him and he looks back at me, eyes watering just so much I can hardly see it but I can see it.

Dan pats him on the shoulder. “listen to me, Nate. tell him, the earlier, the better. I’ll go catch Jesse when he leaves his class. You have 20 minutes to get this out and if you don’t I will tell him… don’t let this ruin you.”

I watch Dan leaving and suddenly become afraid of what I know Nate is going to tell me. He sighs, leans closer to me and puts his head against my shoulder. I place my arm around his waist and stroke him gently.

“your father….he hits you, right?” I say, trying to stay calm when he nods.

“he used to, he hasn’t had a reason lately. He’s out all the time and when he’s at home I normally stay in my room the whole time. fuck it, I’m almost 18 and afraid of him. Maybe he’s right calling me a sissy. Maybe I am….”

“Nate….don’t think that...."

"Sonny, if he finds out he.... he will kill me."

I turn to face him and wipe away the tear that is finding its way down his cheek.

"so he won't find out."

"but I don't want to hide anything any more. and I want the world to see how happy I am that I have you. as cliché as it may sound."

"Nate, don't be stupid. we'll survive school without making it too obvious." I force myself to smile at him because I know I have to. "I don't want your father to hurt you. we got the afternoons and week-ends."

"not this week..... I have band practice tomorrow, wednesday and thursday. for the show on friday." he looks down at his feet.

"that's ok. really. friday will make up for it, I'm sure."

"yeah," he's now looking back at me. "friday is going to be awesome. when you'll be there I'm gonna be so fucking nervious I'll fall off the stage"

we both start laughing again and I can't resist. I look around the court to make sure nobody's in sight, grab the waistband of his pants to pull him close to me and softly place my lipps on his. he puts his hands around my waist and smiles against my mouth.

"you..we.. won't be able to hide ...very long..."

"it's not... my fault... you're so damn ...tantalizing.." mental note: speaking and kissing at once doesn't work very well.

we hear the bell ring and nearly jump by the surprising sound.

"whoa fuck......" I let out frustrated, looking at Nate. I want his lips back. immediatly!

"well..." he starts, grinning." at least we heard the bell this time. and this means school's over for today. when do you have to be at home?"

"well, it's my first day at school so my parents want me to be at home at dinner."

"oh" Nate's disappointed.

"we eat dinner at 9:30, Nate" I smirk.

"ah good, that means we have another 5 hours together?"

"yeah that's what I think."

about that time Dan and Jesse come out of the building.

"nate, are you ok? Dan told me what happend, Brad this stupid asshole I should have killed him when I had the chance, you know, Sonny, I was fun-fighting with him once and had him on his back, if I knew what kind of asshole he really was I would have killed him, I swear, should we go out of here now, what have you planned?" Jesse's art of talking. insane.

"yeah, don't worry, I'm ok." nate looks at him and back at me, smiling. "I thought about going to 'Vino*s'. It's a nice italian restaurant near the mall at 5th and laker av. what do you think?" he grins from one ear to the other, showing more teeth I knew a human being could have.

"sounds good to me" I reply.

"yeah" Jesse and Dan answer at the same time, looking at each other in that way.

we go to the parking lot and get in Nate's car. a nice blue pretty old VW. the drive isn't very long, a couple of minutes later we're sitting at a four-person-table, Nate next to me, Jesse and Dan on the other side. Vino*s' really tiny. there nobody else in the whole restaurant.

"I like this place. do you guys come here a lot?"

"yeah, actually..." nate starts. "I go here almost every day since my first day at high school. Vino is a really nice guy, and his wife Marta always wants me to call her mamma Marta. they know about my 'family life' and they care for me more than my own father does.." he sights and grabs my hand under the table, smiling at me. "I'm glad you like it."

an elder woman is coming to our table.

"Nate, you broght a new friend? he's cute. what's your name, son?"

"Sonny, ma'am."

"oh, I'll call you Sunny, since it seems like you brought the sunshine back at my little Nate"

what does THAT mean? I look at Nate and he looks at her - Marta, I guess. and then I realize that we're still holding each others hands and I turn pink.Nate realizes it at the same time, pulls his hand away and blushes, still looking at her. She just smiles and pats his head.

“hello Jesse, hello Dan. So, what do you kids want?”

Dan and Jesse both order and look at Nate and me, clearly amused.

“what do you want, Sunny? Nate.. stop looking like a deer in headlights. So shocked I caught you?” she’s smiling. a warm smiling. I think I like her.

“I…I… I don’t know… just..” Nate’s nervous. Obviously.

“honey, there’s no need to stutter. Smile. He’s looking like he’s really nice, a bit skinny but I can change that, right?” she blinks at him and looks back at me. “he used to be really thin before he came here in a regular base. He’s much better looking now. Or don’t you think so?” she’s still smiling and I’m feeling a bit more comfortable now. I look at Nate who seems to have cooled down again.

“I think he’s perfect.” The second I say it I realize what I said and I turn 10 times pinker.

“right answer, Sunny” she’s now blinking at me. “I’ll make you both a big pizza. You like tuna and mushrooms?” I nod and she leaves with a bright smile on her face.

“that was weird.” I really think it was.

“I second that” good, Dan.

“shut up you both, what happens when she tells anybody?”

“oh Nate, come on!” Jesse’s almost yelling. “who do you think she’s going to tell it? Vino, yeah. and? They both won’t tell anyone and you know that. They just want you to be fucking happy and I highly doubt they care who makes you happy. If they’d care at all they sure as hell wouldn’t solve me or Dan…”

“so they know that you’re…?” I ask.

“yeah, they know, everybody who knows us knows….. Nate, stop looking like you’re a serial killer!”

“sorry, I just need to get used to the whole situation, Jesse. She knows.”

“yes she knows and now you don’t need to hide anything, that’s something good Nate”

“probably right…” he sighs and smiles at me, grabbing my hand again.

We change the topic and sit there talking about random stuff like how many scars we had from several shows and stupid other stuff and finally a man is bringing us our pizza. I don’t know what to think about the grin on his face but I quickly realize that this man must be Vino when I see that Nate’s flushing again.
Vino doesn’t say anything when he places the plate on the table. He just smiles and whistles a simple melody and pats Nate twice before he’s leaving again.

“I really hate to repeat myself but.. that was weird.”

“well, Sonny..” Dan starts to explain. “that’s Vino’s way of showing Nate that he still loves him”

after that said Dan and Jesse start laughing out very loud and Nate turns red again.
I lock my eyes on his and I just lean close to him, put one hand around his neck and kiss him. he’s perplex first but then he’s kissing me back, smiling.

“wow, this is really hot!” Dan let’s out and Nate shows him the middle finger, grinning even more against my lips.

“yeah, ride on, guys, you should finish the pizza first” Jesse points to the kitchen door. “he’s going to kill you if it gets cold.”

I lean back, look at him and back at Nate who’s nodding, smiling innocent.

we don't talk much until we finishes the meal and when I want to take out my money Nate holds me back and tells me that we don't need to pay. all Marta wants is a hug. he tells me that Marta and Vino weren't able to have their own kids so that they kind of see him and his friends as their family. we go to the kitchen and enter it, finding Vino and Marta sitting there. they smile at us, stand up and give all of us a hug. when we're about to turn around and leave Marta grabs me by the shoulders and gives me a peck on my forehead.

"it was nice meeting you, Sunny. make my little boy happy."

I blush again (50.000th time today) and nod. this whole situation is still weird but I like it.

we head out of the restaurant and back to the direction of Nate's car when we notice that Dan and Jesse aren't followning us.

"what's going on, guys?"

"Nate, you know my parent's are going crazy when I come home hours after school...I'm still kind of grounded..." Jesse says.

"oh.. I totally forgot. k. Dan, you're ging with him?"

"well, yeah, I might call Brian and ask him to hang out with me or I'll actually do some homework. I think you two will find something you can do without us." he's grinning in a mad way, almost scary.

"Yeah, we could watch a movie... like bambi or something.." Nate looks at me and we both start laughing.

"it doesn't really matter as long as you are here with me."

Title: stay with me (pt. 2)

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 12:44:31 GMT

Writer: hxc_sucks aka me (with a little help from somebody who wants to stay anonym*g)
Rating: not american so i have no idea.but there's some 'action' in this chapter ;D
Part: 2 of ?
Pairing: sonny/nate and a bit jesse/dan (from first to last/finch, brand new/senses fail)
Summary: high school stuff..... love at first sight? or just horny teenagers?
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:
*still my first try with 'real' persons so don't be too harsh
*i don't know much about the american school system, if somethings waaaaay stupid just ignore it please
*i'm not english so don't yell at me when i use wrong grammar or words :/

“Sonny….?”

“yeah….?”

“I’m sorry… I really am…”

I look at him and as embarrassed as I am.. he’s even worse. He’s looking really miserable.

“stop apologizing, Nate…. it’s my fault. I’m freaking out because of a hard-on…. when I think about it… I should feel honored, right? It’s quite obvious that you weren’t lying when you said you think I’m hot.” I give him a smile and it seems to work because he’s trying to smile back at me.

“yeah, you are… but I don’t want you to think that that’s what I’m all about… I just can’t help it…”

he looks back down at his shoes and I know I can’t leave it like that.

“Nate, it’s….” I pause. “fuck, I don’t know. you are so… and I’m so… god, I really don’t know how to feel any more…”

“but you’re not going to run away screaming ‘I’M NOT GAY’ and avoid me now?”

“no. I could never avoid you….. this is just all knew to me.. Nate… I know I want this and I’ve been thinking about you constantly since history… when Linda told me you’re not ‘officially’ outed I asked myself why you told me.….”

“Linda?” I ignore him. I need to get this out.

“… but I really don’t know how to handle this… I was raised that I’ll be with a nice girl, get married, have children.. get a nice job or maybe become a rock-star…... I never really thought of liking somebody called Nate Barcalow…” Nate Barcalow. Nate...hm… Nathaniel Barcalow? Such a beautiful name. “I only had one girlfriend and you can’t really count my 3-days-experience with Mike a ‘relationship’…. I bet you know what you are doing… and..” he stops me by grabbing my arm to calm me down and looks at me almost staring.

“Sonny… listen. yes, almost nobody knows I’m gay, but I don't want to hide anything, if that's what you're thinking... my band-mates might guess but they don’t know. I told Jesse because I knew he wouldn’t tell anyone after what Tom did. Dan knows aswell. he might be a bitch but he’s a friend and after all he likes boys too. I knew he’d be cool with it… but….. when I told Linda she freaked out…. and it’s still hard for me to think about her. I really love this girl in a ‘friends-way’ you know. but I don’t want to hide anything any more and I will let everybody know. there’s not much left to lose, I don’t have many people who care, only my father will kill me… but right now the only thing I don’t want to lose is you. I didn’t want to scare you, you can’t imagine how sorry I am that I can’t control my body… but I want you to know that this is new to me as-well. I have been fooling around but haven’t had any real boyfriends yet, I never met someone interesting.. until today. I want to be close to you and I love to just sit here and talk to you. and you are so … I can’t even find words for it… I like your hair and your lips are so alluring…”

fuck it, I know he's honestly “so are yours…”

I grab the front of his t-shirt, pull him closer to me and kiss him. We’re both not closing our eyes and look at each other. this is so intense. I’m not nervous at all anymore. I just want to feel him close to me. My hand is moving down to his stomach and goes even further down to his lap. This time I want his body to react. I completely forgot where we are. He grabs my shoulders and gets out of my grip.

“hey” he smirks. “now that’s a bit fast, kiddo, we have a lesson in…” he stares at his watch. “ damn! did you hear the bell ring?? we’re already 15 minutes late!”

we look at each other and burst out laughing.

“you’re kidding, are you?? late at my first day, I’m good.”

“oh yes, you are.” He puts his hand on the back of my head, gives me a short peck and grabs my arm to raise me up from the bench. “come on, we’ll just tell Mr. Kerr I found you outside and you didn’t know where the class was. he’ll be cool with it.”

“okay” I can’t believe I was so into it I didn’t hear the bell ring. but I guess it’s a good sign after all. and that’s a nice thought.

we go back into the school building and head to the class Nate is leading me. We enter and an old looking man gives us a suspicious look.

“mister Barcalow, we’re a bit later, aren’t we? and who are you?”

“sorry mister Kerr, that’s Sonny Moore, he’s a new student. I found him outside and he didn’t know where his next class was. and since it’s yours I thought I’d help him so that he won’t miss much of it” okay, so this is his way of kissing the teacher’s ass.

“okay, I see, go to your seat and be quiet.” he points to the back of the class and I just follow Nate, assured that the seat next to him is empty as always.

“you see, I told you” Nate’s says when we are sitting.

“yeah…” I can’t say much. I just look at him.

“Sonny,” he whispers. “don’t look at me like this, I want to hump on you and eat you…”

“that’s exactly what I want to do with you” I keep my eyes locked on his. “if this wasn’t my first day I’d say we should skip the last two lessons.”

he grins. “we can’t skip a lesson just because we’re horny teenagers….”

“probably right, we’d have to skip school completely.”

We both start laughing and the whole class – including Mr. Kerr – turns around.

“mister Barcalow, do you think we should let mister Moore sit next to mister Peer so that you can both follow the lesson?”

“no, Mr. Kerr, I’m sorry.” Nate shrugs when we both look at each other.

“we should be quiet now, Mr. Kerr can be very angry when somebody’s disturbing his lesson, and Brad, that’s mister Peer, is a complete asshole, not to mention he’s pretty homophobic and will tell us something later on anyway. he’s in sports with us as-well…”

we both look at this Brad who is looking back at us with a cold expression on his face. scary.

the rest of the lesson I’m trying to follow what Mr. Kerr is talking about but don’t succeed. instead I’m thinking about many different things. about Nate mainly. we look at each other every few seconds and just smile. I know he’s thinking exactly the same thing I think when I look at him. I’ve finally found somebody I like.
I also think about my family. I’m going to tell them I’m gay. I know I won’t do it today but I will tell them soon. I just need to know what is going on. if this is something serious. I know it is for me. I think it’s for him aswell but you never know. and even if he’s serious. he told me his father would kill him. maybe that’s true??
and this Brad. what’s going on with him? Nate said he’ll tell us something. is he the typical high school jock who’s hunting faggots?
I look at him and when I look back at Nate he seems to be able to read my mind.

“don’t worry, we deal with him since Tom outed Jesse. he’s an asshole and has many friends but he knows when he’s going too far. and he won’t.“

“are you sure?” we’re both only whispering because of Mr. Kerr.

“yeah… actually… Jesse used to be one of his friends before all of this happened.” I give him a look. “well. it was around that time when I moved here, about two years ago. I don’t know everything about it, though. it happened in my… third week I think. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I didn’t know Jesse at that time and saw him sitting sobbing on the floor in one of the toilets. I asked him what was going on and the first thing he did was asking me if I was homophobic and if I wanted to be his friend even though he was gay. I just said ‘no’ and ‘yes’ and that was it. then he told me everything. he didn’t know me but he just told me how he told his best friend – Tom – that he was gay a few minutes ago. He told me that Tom yelled at him how sick he was and that he should never ever talk to him or even look at him again. Jesse was a wreck. I told him everything would be ok again and that Tom was an asshole. he kept telling me how Tom was his best friend and that he knew that he’d lose all his other friends as-well. I was getting really angry because I knew he was right. and he was right. Tom told everybody and they started either avoiding Jesse or when they talked to him they were just really mean. And that hasn’t changed until today. they treat Dan and me the same way. well, Dan mainly because he’s a slut and i guess they know that Jesse and Dan are some-kind-of-together. they call me names because I hang out with them. and you… well.. you indeed look gay from their point of view. so it won’t make much of a difference when they find out about us”

I know that’s a stupid reaction but all I can think of now is the last part.

“you think there’s an us?” I smile and he’s smiling back.

“well. yeah. I don’t know. I want there to be an us, but I don’t want to take you by surprise” he pauses. “and… I hope you don’t just use me to fool around. I’m a little emo-kid. when you play with me my paper heart will bleed.”

He’s making a little gesture pointing at his heart and tries to look ‘emo’. I grin.

“I could never fool around with an all-american rejects fan. besides…I told you I want this.” I lean closer to him, look around the class to make sure nobody (especially not Brad) is watching, put my hand down at this little space between his chest and is neck and kiss the skin under his ear. “I want you… no one else. I want… an us… I… don’t want to worry.. about anything ….”

he moans softly and I stop, checking if anybody heard it. I sit back at my seat properly and give him a look.

“so, is there an us?” I ask. Our eyes locked at each other’s he nods. oh god I want to kiss him so badly. when is this god damn lesson over?? we both smile and he grabs my hand and squeezes it. he is not giving it free until the end of the lesson and we don’t look at each other for the rest of it but I have no doubt we’re both grinning like we’re maniacs.

When the bell finally rings we head out of the school building, run around the school court and head into the gym and to the restroom as fast as we can.

“why so fast? Is the sports teacher so damn hot or any other reasons?” I give him a puzzled look.

“no, not hot at all. we’ll lock ourselves in the toilet and wait until the others are dressed and ready. They’ll think we’re late again because you don’t know where the gym is.”

I laugh and when we’re in one of the cubicles I grab his neck, pulling his head closer to my face and kiss him roughly.

“damn… I never thought…” I speak gasping, trying not to interrupt this for too long ”…kissing… a guy… could be.. so hot…. I….. I… never thought kissing… anybody… could be so hot!”

he puts his hands around my waist and presses his body against me, shoving his hips into mine. I feel something reacting in his pants but I don’t pay much attention to it because I feel my jeans getting tighter and tighter. He presses me against the cubicle-wall and pushes his tongue deep into my throat. I guess he really wants to eat me. We hear the others arrive but don’t pay much attention (we only pay a little attention in case anybody could hear us and enters the toilets). he's grinding his crotch into my body and I can feel his erection pressing against mine, only separated by our pants. it turns me on even more. he frees his tongue out of my mouth and starts kissing my neck. His hands goes down my chest, and to my belt. I feel a slight panic raising inside of me but I want this. I am NOT freaking out this time.
I only met this guy today and this is getting so fast that I’m not only sure about being gay now but also sure that I want all of this more than anything else.
He stops and looks at me. I nod and he smiles, his eyes locked on mine. I lean closer and wait for him to react. When he nods aswell my hands seem like they act before I’m thinking. I open his belt and he does the same with mine. my lips are hunting for his and when they found them I bit his lower lip like I want to eat him this time. I can feel his hand on my back getting deeper so I do the same to him. my mind is far from normal thinking and I know that my dick will be angry with me if he can’t lose his loading soon. Nate must feel the same because I can feel the huge bulge in his pants pressing against mine so I do what I want him to do with me. I slide my hands around the waistband and strip down his jeans. and like I expected, he does the same. Soon enough we’re both standing there, tongue fighting, in our boxer-shorts. it’s this moment when I remember that I was wearing my smiley-boxers and I stop kissing him and look down on myself. then I see that he’s doing the same and we stare at each other. he is wearing Winnie the Pooh. so he’s definitely not fucking around all the time. Winnie just proofed it. we smile at each other and I press him against the wall, forcing him into an other tongue fight. I can feel his hands going under my shirts and at the waistband of my shorts. I gasp and hold my breath. I want to absorb everything. all my emotions and how it feels like to feel his hand... his hand sliding down inside my boxers! oh my god! I groan into his mouth when he starts stroking my cock. this feels so different than when I do it myself. I know I won't last long. I close my eyes and try to concentrate on doing the same to him. I put both hands in his boxers, one grabbing around his haunch and the other... oh shit I have no idea how to do this! I never thought about something like this until today!I look at him inquiring and he is reading my mind again.

"just… do …with me …what.. you want me to ..do with you... " he says gasping, only breaking our lip-contact briefly.

I smile and we both close our eyes. I take a deep breath before I kiss him again and grab his dick. He moans into my mouth and bits on my tongue.

“ugh” I let out a sound I’m not sure if it’s pain because of my tongue or pleasure because of the movement of his hand on my hard-on.

“srry” he let’s out. He doesn’t have to apologize, though.

I start stroking and my other hand moves to his butt, slowly petting around his entrance. I enjoy the sounds coming from his mouth and my movements around his cock get faster when he does the same.

My breathing gets heavier and I feel I’m close. I can’t concentrate on our kiss any more.

“Nate… Nate I… fuck.. so.. so .. Nate…don’t stop” I let out a few gasps and I open my eyes again to meet with his. He doesn’t say anything but I know he’s coming aswell.

Blinks later I let out my first shot in his hand. his head falls against my shoulder and he stops breathing for a short moment. I’m afraid he’ll pass out or something like that and then he’s coming aswell. He’s breathing very irregular and fast and when he looks up at me his face had turned deep red. He looks at me with his now very dark eyes, smiling so irresistible that I give him a short peck.

We put our hands out of each others shorts and he licks my cum from his fingers. I can’t believe he’s doing this! I give him an irritated look. he smirks and I have to smile back at him because he’s just looking so incredibly sexy.

“tastes good, I guess I know what I want to do next” he says while pulling his pants back on, not bothering to pull on the belt again. I look at him, asking why he doesn't get dressed properly and do the same. "we have to get into our sports dress anyway." right. we're in the gym. (so much for being smart)

“have you done this before?” I ask.

“only once….and it was nothing like this.” He pauses, leading in to kiss me once more. “this was so incredibly hot. you are so incredibly hot. so incredibly awesome. where have you been my whole life?” he smiles and I smile back at him.

“about 250 miles from here”. I shrug.

“I know this might sound stupid, but I already feel like I knew you my whole life and I feel that way since history when Jesse introduced us. It’s almost like a ‘love-at-first-sight-thing’… like in those stupid romantic movies”

when I think back… he’s right. 100%. I didn’t see it in the first place because he’s a boy but after all… I’m gay, no doubt left. not after meeting him. not after realizing I’ve been thinking about him all day. not after giving – and receiving – absolutely incredible hand-jobs.

“yeah…. only this wasn’t romantic… it was hot” I say. “I don’t want to ever leave you, Nate. you turned my world upside-down and I will never be the same again. if you tell me you want me to stay with you, I will stay with you forever.”

he doesn’t say what I wanted to hear but he nods. I just take that as a ‘yes, I want you to stay with me’.

“should we go see what’s going on in the gym?” I ask while unlocking the cubicle.

“it can’t be as interesting as what's happening here.”

Nate and I both look at each other in shock. Has he been standing there the whole time?

________________________________________________________________________________________________

i know. i know.
it's a bit shorter than the first but i wanted to give you guys the next chapter and thought this was a good endingt/cliffhanger ;D
and i'm sorry if the scene in the cubicle sucks but i had a guy forced to read it (aehm +cough+) and he said it was hot. hehe. so i leave it like this (:

Title: stay with me

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 12:42:59 GMT

Writer: hxc_sucks aka me
Rating: not american so i have no idea.
Part: 1 of ?
Pairing: sonny/nate and a bit jesse/dan (from first to last/finch, brand new/senses fail)
Summary: *high school stuff, sonny's moved to diferent town and afraid of not finding any friends.. blablabla
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:
*my first try with 'real' persons
*i don't know much about the american school system, if somethings waaaaay stupid just ignore it please
*i'm not english so don't yell at me when i use wrong grammar or words :/

I knew it. I knew it the day my father told me.
this would suck.

our new house is pretty nice, though. well, dad has a better job now. means more money. means better house. means leaving the nice little town I was living my whole life....

at least I didn't have to leave a girlfriend, I don't have one...
you know, I seem like a tough guy to some, but really... I am not. I'm just nice and smart. girls don't like nice and smart guys. they always want to date assholes. that's how girls are like.
and friends? I had a few guys I hung out with at my old school but basically I was just with them. they didn't care about me being around. they weren't what I was looking for in a friend and I just hung out with them because I knew them my whole life. we got used to each other.

so here I am now. in front of this huge building I'm about to enter. being 17 and going to a new school is one of the worst things. it really is. I've heard terrible stories about high schools as big as this one. anonymity can be nice and I normally like it, but it can be dangerous as well. I doubt I will find any friends here, I'm too shy and too 'different'. but I suddenly feel like I could need a friend. I can already see fingers pointing at me and hear people whispering. I don't understand them but I'm pretty sure what they are saying.
soon enough, it's only a questions of days, maybe only hours, girls will ask me if I'm gay and the guys won't even ask. they'll beat the shit out of me, telling me to watch my back and they will write words like 'fag' or 'cocksucker' all over my properties. (ok so maybe I'm paranoid but you know that high school kids act like that! the only reason nobody 'at home' was acting like that was they all knew me. and the parents knew each other...)
I suddenly feel very angry. I know it will happen. I am not gay. but they won't care when I tell them I like girls. they won't care. they will only see that I'm wearing tight girl pants and make up and that my hair 'looks gay' and that I'm wearing those tight t-shirts... how would they react if they actually knew what kind of a band 'evergreen terrace' is? how 'tough' I actually am?
yes, I was trying to look hardcore but now I realize how stupid that was because at this school I'd obviously not find somebody listening to those kind of band... I saw a few wannabe-punks... and a few emokids that were all looking like they just found out they liked the used because in the new video quinn is looking so sexy..
I don't even know if he's sexy.. I'm a guy, a heterosexual guy. I just though he looked nice. a guy I could make friends with.. if he wasn't some kind of 'superstar' you know....

first period: math
great, math is my number one hate subject and I'm supposed to have it in first period? oh well, last period would be worse.
last period is.... sports. oh no... if I come to think about is, every subject sucks, even lunch sucks because... yeah I have to be alone for about 45 minutes and if I'm lucky some jocks will put me in a basket case like they normally do with 6th graders....

I try to find my classroom and when I'm finally in front of room 254 something in my head is beating and I really don't want to enter... but the door swings open from inside and a looks-like-he's-not-nice man (obviously my math teacher) just looks at me, waves me in and says "Ah, mister Moor i guess," I nod. "Sit down next to mister Lacey..." he points to an empty seat next to a guy in the back of the class that seems to be not interested in his environment. I hear whispers again. a few laugher and I clearly make out one comment 'oh they'd make such a cute couple'. what the hell?

I shrug and sit down at the seat I was supposed to, look at this 'mister Lacey' for a second and take out my math stuff. without looking at me he reaches out his hand, talking to me in a bitter tone. "I'm Jesse but you will notice everyone just calls me fag". almost coughing the last word.

Ok, now this was weird. but it kind of explains the comment i heard. is he the 'school-fag'? will I be the new one? even though I am not gay and this guy for sure isn't looking 'gay'.... he's actually looking kind of good, nice hair and... ok, enough of this!

"eh..? i guess I'll call you Jesse.... I'm Sonny" he's now looking up and facing me. I smile a little and he smiles back.

"Nice to meet you, Sonny, so you just moved here?"

"Yeah."

"And... oh.. nice t-shirt, i really love their 'enjoy the silence' cover!"
my moth drops open. "you like evergreen terrace? wow, that's awesome, I thought this was full of high school punks and stupid emo kids!"

interesting. the 'school-fag' has good taste in music.

"hey, be careful what you're saying... I've got a whole bunch of bright eyes, get up kids and other stuff at home..." he grins and I have to do the same.

"I'm sorry... I just saw a few kids out there that looked kind of...."

"Ah I know who you're talking about. my 'fans'"

I give him a look.

"Oh well, you know, me and my friends are kind of the outcasts at school, but they always come to our shows, you know, I'm in a band and Nate, my best friend by the way, is too.. oh. yeah we have a show this Friday, both bands and a third one i don't know but heard of that they're good, i could put you on the list if you like"

this kid talks a lot. I don't think I got half of what he was saying.

"list?"

"Yeah... uhm.. guest list. you know.. you could get in for free... it's only 3 bucks anyway but maybe if you have to pay you won't come, the other band is kind of hardcore, but we're pretty emo-ish actually, even though I like to scream and stuff and finch, that's Nates band - mine's called brand new by the way - well finch is really awesome and i think you could even like them without them being hardcore"

I want to tell him to slow down but I don't. I think I can actually make friends with this guy. and it's kind of funny hearing him talking without having to breath.

"Hey, it's cool, I'm not only listening to the hardcore stuff, you know, I was just trying to look good in case there are a few hardcore chicks at this school." I blink at him but he just looks at me and shakes his head in a weird way (you know how it looks like somebody is trying to shake a thought away)

"okay, so you'll be there? it starts at 7. let me see your schedule." he takes it out of my hand, reads it and gives it back to me.

"It looks like we have lunch together but not any more lessons, but you have a few with Nate, world history after this, Nate's in there, too, he can give you the other informations, I'll introduce you to him."

we keep talking about the show and how excited he is and about music in general. and when the bell rings and the lesson's over we take our stuff and he grabs my arm. he leads me along the hallway and we’re earning suspicious looks from other students. I would have felt uncomfortable if I wasn't feeling so extremely good because of the way Jesse acts towards me. yes, I really want to become friends with him. he acts so normal. Something I’m not used to.

We finally stop in front of room 344. World History, Mrs. Winter.

"Here we are." he makes a gesture to make me follow him into the class. A few people are already there and he heads straight to the back and stops in front of a black haired guy that is doodling in his notebook.

"NATE!!" he yells and the boy - Nate - raises his head, eyes wide open almost like in a shock.

"What the.....Jess?" okay, Jesse lied, not everybody calls him 'fag' "What are you doing here? Anything important happened?"

"Well, kind of" Jesse starts. "I wanted to introduce somebody to you, that's Sonny, he's new and has history and a few other classes with you, and since he seems to have good taste in music i invited him to the show and thought you might give him the address and note down his name for the list and stuff."

Ok, I think I'm getting used to his way of talking.
Nate looks up and down on me and I could swear he's checking me out....weird

"okay Jesse", he shrugs. "Sonny, you can sit next to me if you want, the chair's alway empty...."

Jesse's smiling and leans over to Nate’s ear. damn I want to know what he's telling him! Nate looks at me and back at Jesse. 3 times.

"Are you sure?" he sounds disappointed.

Now Jesse looks at me and back at Nate. "I don't know, think about you about a year ago..."

"Ok, we'll see... now our new boy and I will have a nice lesson in world history and you'll go and have fun with biology..."

"Yeah, I'll definitely have..." they both laugh and a short time after Jesse leaves the class a small lady comes in. Mrs Winter.

"we're supposed to have a new student, anybody seen him yet...." she's looking into the class and I wave me hand.

"I'm already here, Sonny Moore"

"ah, Moore, Sonny. right. sitting next to Barcalow, Nate. okay."
strange lady.

she starts with the lesson and Nate turns to face me.

"So...." he starts. "what did you do to make Jesse talk to you?" He looks kind of serious.

"I have no idea, the teacher set me next to him and he introduced and I introduced and then he said he liked evergreen terrace." yeah, that's what has happened. "why?"

"Jesse doesn't talk to many people. in fact, since Tom told everybody the only persons Jesse's been talking to are teachers sporadically, me, Linda and Sarah sometimes.. and ..Dan."

"Who's Tom and what has he told everybody? who's Dan? what's wrong with Jesse?"

I know that sounds stupid but I feel like Jesse already is my friend and if he's got problems I want to know.

"Nothing is wrong with him....um... er.. he..." Oh great, he doesn't want to tell me. "I don't know if it's ok with him to tell you, but you'll find out anyway..... Tom used to be his best friend before we became friends... he trusted Tom. Tom is the reason why Jesse will never ever trust anybody. I'm sure he doesn't even trust me."

"oh." intelligent answer.

"well, he told Tom that he's gay and Tom couldn't handle it and became a real pisshead towards him, and after about a week the whole school knew..."

he's gay, I could have expected it when they call him fag, right? right.

"oh." wow, this answer isn't getting more intelligent....

"You're not freaking out now, will you?" Oh yeah, right, Nate's still talking...
"He's my best friend, well, my only real friend left, besides my band mates... and i really don't want him to be depressed because a guy he things could become a friend is freaking out because of his sexuality... not again."

"I won't.. I just don't know...." honesty is always the best way. "don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic or anything, I just don't know... how to deal with it. you know, I've only met one gay guy before..."

he sighs. "seems like today is your lucky day, you met two in your first two classes" he looked down at his feet.

okay... so he's gay as well? wow, were did i land? but I know I'm cool with it...
I should say something, but what?

"I'm cool with it, really!" I put my index finger under his chin and make him look up and I nod. I like his eyes, it's almost like seeing infinity and when he smiles at me I... stop it. stop it. stop it! .... turn to listen to the teacher.

"so... are you guys dating or something?" yeah, I want to know! big deal...?

he coughs. "No way, never! he's crazy. and i mean crazy. I'd be afraid he'd dress me as Gwen Stefani. he once told me she's the only woman he could think about having sex with, he really adores her it's not even funny any more. it's sick."

I look back at him and have to hide a laughing.

"Hey, stop it! I know what you're thinking!"

"what? I'm not thinking anything?" I have the urge to laugh even more and now he starts making faces as well.

"yes you do, you think about me with blond hair and a short dress and pink make up and red lipstick"

I'm trying hard to say something but I know that when I open my month I'll have to laugh out very loud so I just nod my head a few times and look back at the front of the class. weird thought, Nate as a girl. he doesn't look girlish at all... he looks good the way he does....

"Nate?” I ask, calming down again. “Who is Dan?”

he looks trough the class as if to make sure nobody’s listening. I don’t know why, nobody pays attention to us anyways, we could make out here…eewww where did that come from??

“Dan Trapp, we have sports with him, Jesse has biology and chemistry….we also meet at lunch.... and Jesse has a crush on him....”

"Let me guess... you don't like him?"

"Oh, no, he's a nice guy, but...." he looks around and I interrupt him.

"He's straight."

He let's out a noise that sound like a mix of a cough and a laugher.

"not at all, he used to fuck whoever was willing to. that's what I'm worried about. he told Jesse he just wants to be friends, because of his behaviour in the past, but he knows how much Jesse likes him and I don't know if he could control himself even if he wanted to. Jesse is a very loyal person and it would break his heart if he'd cheat on him."

"I get you, cheating sucks."

"oh, somebody's cheated on you?"

"bingo. my ex girlfriend. with one of the cool school team basket ball players... the sad thing is, I was dating her almost a year, she was the only girlfriend I ever had and she cheated on me only two weeks after we finally were a couple..."

"after two weeks???"

"yeah, after that I was so sick of girls..."

"cheating is really one of the worst things.. I will never understand how you can do that to somebody else..."

"well, she told me she didn't like me anyways."

"whoa, that really sucks." I know he's really sorry, I can see it in his beautiful eyes...

"it's ok, I'm over it and hey, I'll just find somebody else, there has to be anybody who's willing to take me.." i sigh and he pokes me in the side.

"hey, I have no doubt about it... if you were, you know... I would" he smiles and a smile back at him.

"thanks, Nate, feels good to hear something like that." it feels really good. I know I should feel weird about what he just said but I just look at him and smile.

the bell rings and we slowly head off to our next lessons. Nate tells me he'll give me the info for the show during lunch and I make my way down the hall to my next class: English. Nobody i knew in there. when the teacher come in he sits me next to a girl that introduces herself as Linda, I saw before and now I remember her sitting in my history class as well. she was looking nice. short black hair and glasses, yes, she had a little 'emo' touch. we talk a few sentences and then we follow the lesson.

after a while, she gives me a little letter and we lead a 'paper-conversation'

hey sonny
hey Linda
you're sitting next to Nate in history, right?
right
what did he do?
do?
he's.. you know
I know he’s gay
you know?
yeah, he told me
are you gay?
no
sure?
no y:e:s
okay, because, Nate is
I know
and you don't mind?
no, why should I?
guys normally say it's disgusting and are really mean to him and Jesse, you know Jesse?
yeah I know Jesse, he's in my math class.. and i haven't seen them acting 'gay' yet, I don't think it's more disgusting than acting 'hetero'
are you gay?
you asked that before
I know. do you think Nate is good looking?
i don't know if he's good looking, maybe he is...
he's nice, isn't he?
yeah I think so
hey sonny, are you gay?
no!
yes, you are
I'm not
ok, ok. but you're friends with them now?
I don't know.
do you know about the show on friday?
yeah, Jesse invited me
really? even though you're not gay? so they must see you as a friend already
you really like that topic
well, yes, I do, I'll be honest with you but you have to promise you're not telling anybody, ok?
ok, I won't
Nate and I were friends and he thinks I stopped being his friend because I hate him now.. but it's actually the opposite. I had a crush on him and when he told me he was gay it broke my heart...(btw, Jesse, Dan and I were the only persons at school who knew it, I think it's really strange he told you!) I couldn't deal with it.... now I can, and I really want to save our friendship. will you help me, Sonny?
oh.. I'm sorry, Linda. but sure, I will help if I can.
thank you. so since you're not gay. do you want to go to the show with me?
sure.
where should we meet? do you have a car?
no idea, I just moved here. and no car.
ok then I have an idea. you'll ask Nate if he can give you and a friend a ride to the club and tell him it's me when he already said yes, ok?
okay
great! let's catch the rest of the lesson...

that's weird. really weird. and I think I've used that word enough today.
now I have a few questions. why did Nate tell me that he's gay? a guy he hardly knows... and why does that make me feel so good? and why am I not excited about the fact that Linda asked me to go to the show with her? she's good looking I think, and she's nice.

when the lesson is over I say bye to her and go to my next class: art history. after that I will have lunch and meet Jesse and Nate again, and I'm looking forward to that. after lunch I'll have social science and sports, both with Nate in my class.

no, I don't care that he's gay at all. he's nice and I want him around. I want to feel his eyes locked on me and ...whoa. enough!

the lesson starts and the teacher sets me next to a guy who is moving as far to his side as he can when he hears that I have to sit next to him. whatever. I don't care. If he doesn't want to talk to me or anything I won't force him. I can go through one hour of boredom. maybe it's better this way, so I can actually follow the lesson....
but I can't. I'm thinking about lunch. I'm thinking about Nate. hold on, why? I should be thinking about Linda

when the bell finally rings and I grab my things to go to the refectory I'm getting nervous.
I go through the huge swing door and look around. I can't see Nate and am kind of disappointed but then I see Jesse sitting at a 4-persons-table in the back of the hall with an other boy. this Dan I guess. Jesse waves at me and I go to their table and sit next to him.

"Dan, this is Sonny, I told you, remember?" So I was right. Then he turns to me "Sonny, nice to see you, this is Dan, did Nate give you the info yet?"

Dan and I nod at each other and I tell Jesse that Nate wanted to give them to me during lunch because we were talking about a few other things and suddenly the lesson was over.

"about other things?" he gives me a look.

"well.. yeah.." I shrug. I doubt I should tell him what Nate and I talked about. not now.

"he told you." he still looks at me but he says it without any emotion. he just says it.

"yeah. don't be mad at him.. he said a few things I didn't understand and asked him if anything was wrong with you so he told me about Tom."

he swallows, looks down at his feet and shakes his head.

"I'm not mad at him." he pauses. "maybe it's better this way, I don't know if I had the guts to tell you and then you would have heard it from somebody else... besides.. I already told you how they call me..." he looks up at me again, "I just hope that doesn't mean anything to you."

okay okay, I could have guessed he was worried about that.

"No, I guess I'm fine with it, I look gay and you are gay" I start laughing and they both fell into it.

"Yeah that's exactly what I thought when I first saw you" Dan says. "but I guess it's this 'scene thing'"

"I don't know, I'm from a 2.500 people town, there was no 'scene'"

"Really?" Nate was suddenly standing pretty close to me. "Oh well.. you're coming to the show on friday and you'll see that we actually have a nice scene. you'll be surrounded by all the girls in a second, i have no doubt" he smiles and I feel warm inside.

"Yeah it's only monday and I'm already excited" I really am, 4 days and I'll be involved in the 'scene'. I have friends, gay friends, but friends. And they are pretty cool guys. If I wasn't straight I'd sure as hell would fall in love with Nate. Why can't a girl be like him?

"hey Sonny, what do you think about leaving those turtle doves alone and I'll give you the info for the show outside?" he grins at Jesse and Dan. I nod.

"okay"

we go outside the building and Nate is leading me to a dark part of the school court with a bench. perfect space for a make out session... with a girl!

"uh... nice place..."

"yeah, it's quiet and nobody seems to know about it.. I go here almost every day since this whole Jesse and Dan thing started... I really can't stand those looks they are giving each other..."

"oh. yeah.. i see." yes, I could start to proof how 'smart' I am...

he takes out a few papers and writes down something. then he gives it to me.

"we had flyers but they got wet so now we can only hope word is spread about the show. anyway. this is the address. do you know how to go there?"

"uh. no? could you... give me and a friend a ride?" yes I remember what I promised Linda.

he looks at me and starts grinning. "yeah, that way I can make sure you actually attend and good to hear you’re making more friends already"

"I'll be there 100%, I have to see if you're really as good as Jesse is saying"

"na. we suck. Jesse's band is the really good band"

"I knew you'd say that. But I don't have anything else to do anyway, and since I'm on the list I can feel special. I can tell everybody that I can see a hot band guy in action and don't even have to pay for it" shit, did I just say that???

I cough and he gives me a suspicious look.

"hey Sonny......you're sure you don't like guys?" ahhh ok, even the gay guys ask me now, does his ‘gay-radar’ don't work?

"eh.. yeah. why?"

"well, I could swear you're flirting with me, but since you told me about this girl you were dating and how disappointed you were about the whole thing...I don't know. I often misinterpret things and I don't want you to freak out or anything. I do think you're a nice kid and you're definitely hot, but I'd never try anything. friendship is really important to me. and I'd love to be your friend and honesty is the key. that's why I told you in the first place."

wow. tough stuff. I guess I should be honest to him as well.

"actually, I'm not sure I like anybody. I wasn't disappointed about this girl leaving me because I loved her, it was only my ego. She chose to cheat on me with an asshole. And I didn't feel anything about it, my heart wasn't breaking. after that I was thinking that maybe I am gay, so I dated this guy from my school but it was the same really. I am not gay. I'm nothing. and it's driving me crazy. I don't even know how it feels like to have a crush on somebody..."

I sigh and feel kind of released. I wanted to tell that somebody for quite some time and it feels good to finally let it out.

"dude, that really.. sucks. but I'm sure we'll find somebody for you." he pokes me and grins again and I smile back at him.

we sit there in comfortable silence and I lay down on the bench, my head in his lap. I close my eyes and feel free. I found good friends, I know I can talk with Nate about everything and I enjoy his presence. he told me that he thinks I'm hot and I should freak out but instead it makes me feel really good. I can feel hís hand on my chest, his fingers drumming a little beat.

"hey sonny..."

"yeah?"

"I don't believe you."

"don't believe what?" I sit up and look at him

"that you're so sure about not being gay and that you don't know how it feels like to have a crush on somebody."

"what exactly do you mean?"

“Sonny, you can’t tell me you look at me and don’t feel anything, I know you do!”

“I AM not gay.”

“So? I don’t know many straight guys that tell other guys they are hot. And you dated this guy for a reason....you wanted to know why you didn’t feel anything while being with girls. I’ve done the same. and I needed some time to find out how stupid it was to just use ‘any’ guy to realize I’m gay. it doesn’t work like that.”

“I know...” I didn't. I do now. of course it doesn't work like that... "I just don't know what to feel any more."

“Fuck, Sonny. I wouldn't tell you anything of this if I wasn't the same. I know how you feel. You’re afraid of your feelings. You’re afraid of yourself.”

I sigh. Within seconds I realize he is right. I am afraid. Afraid of looking at him and afraid of my own heartbeat. Afraid of thinking about just grabbing him and ….. I shake my head and look at him. Beautiful eyes, beautiful skin, beautiful hair...

“I don’t want to be afraid any more” I say quietly, more to myself than to him. it is the only thing I can think of. God. He is so gorgeous. I look down at my feet.

“Sonny, I don’t want you to feel like you feel right now. I’ve been there myself. I …..I…. I just know that… I feel that we could…. You know… I think I like you.” He stops and sighs.
“Fuck, I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight because I will have to think about you. And I won’t give up on you. I never thought of meeting somebody like you...“

I look up. His words hurt me a lot but looking at him hurt even more. He's such an awesome person, how can I make him feel like that?
I put my hand on his cheek and know what I have to do. I lean closer, put my other hand on his hip and want to kiss him. My heart beats so fast I think I’m having a heart attack and pass out. He presses his hands on my chest and pushes me away.

“I know you don’t want that”.

“I do.…” I suspire.
“I knew it when I saw you in the refectory. you are right. with everything. I was dating Mike just to proof myself that I couldn’t be gay. he was the only guy at school everybody knew was gay. and he was so gay. he was wearing this stupid rainbow colored stuff, making those ‘hand-moves’ and… uh… he was singing kylie minogue songs each time he saw me! I didn’t think he was good looking. I didn’t even like him. kissing him was disgusting! but you are not Mike. you’re smart and you’re so beautiful. I could just sit here and stare at you for hours. or maybe not. because right now I just want to touch you. I never felt like this and yes, I am afraid. afraid of myself. but I want it. I do.”

“you were dating a queen! now I can totally understand you.” he smiles sympathetic. It looks so sexy. yes it does. god damn what am I concerned about? I like him. the end

“hell, I was dating one of those cliché-gays.” I have to laugh. “I was so stupid.”

“those guys are just trying to fit it. forget about that. now you’ll have a real man.” He laughs. “if you want me, of course.” Oh no, the puppy dog ‘buy me’ look.

I smile and nod nervously.

He put his hands around my neck, kisses my forehead and I put my hands around his back. he pushed me to lay on the bench and he leans closer. We’re face to face now and I close my eyes when our lips meet. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! His lips are so soft. This is it! This is the reason why I never felt anything while being with a girl! His chest presses against mine now and I never felt like this before. I notice his heart beating as fast as mine, they are almost beating the same rhythm. His tongue is playing with my lips and I open my mouth a bit to let it in. He moans and I decide this is the most sexy sound I’ve ever heard. I press him closer and then I notice his excitement.... I feel his cock pressing against my crotch. I open my eyes and I know I'll freak out soon.... I want to be with him, but this is too much for me. He looks at me and knows what's going on....

We sit back and sigh.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t help it.”

“I know. And don’t say you’re sorry. It’s me who’s a freaking pussy. I… I just…. I was not thinking about this. I’m the one who’s sorry. Give me some time to realize all this.” I can only hope he’ll understand.

“I should be able to control myself....” Now we are both staring at our feet. “I’m so sorry.”

I feel bad. There he is. This beautiful creature that only needed a few minutes to convince me of something I was trying to ignore for so long and what did I do? Keeping the distance.